The first of the many changes yet to come
10/08/2010 01:16 p.m.

A few weeks ago, I was diagnosed with several cervical spinal chord issues including arthritis, bone spurs, and narrowing of the spinal canal itself, which is impinging on my spinal chord in a way that affects the nerves that lead to my left shoulder, arm and fingers. I go to the neurologist in a few days to do a nerve conductivity test to see how extensive the nerve damage is, if it's temporary or permanent, and if the damage can be halted. In the meantime I've been advised not to lift anything over 20lbs, nor strain my neck in any way that might have several unpleasant outcomes, including blown discs or, worse, paralysis that could be temporary or permanent, depending on the injury and/or what's available to repair the injury.

This is, of course, affecting some major areas in my life.

Even before the recent diagnoses, I had come to realize, from the illnesses and injuries I've encountered during the last nine months or so, that my ability to care for Meme was probably not going to outlast the duration of her need for that care. It's been a slow and agonizing process for both of us.

Her feelings have ranged from regret at needing to be cared for, to wondering why a person "hangs on this long", to, understandably, anger that she may not be able to spend her last years at home.

My feelings have been spread over many facets of this part of my life - anger at my mother and her siblings for not providing more care for her, frustration at the declining economy and lack of funds to hire respite care for myself, guilt at having promised Meme that I would care for her until she no longer required it, and the profound sadness of having to let go of the many pieces that make up this part of my life.

Knowing that Meme's care needs to be transferred to the hands of a care facility now has, of course, triggered many other changes. For instance, once she goes into care, I will naturally have to resume financially supporting myself. Since she will be elsewhere, this house we've been living in will no longer be available, meaning that I, my son who has been living here, Adam (for the duration of his visit), and my pets need to find new homes.

All of the options for places that I can go until I can afford to support myself don't allow me to bring my pets. I understand this, but the process of finding homes for them has been overwhelming unsuccessful. Yesterday, Home at Last (a local no kill shelter) called to say they had openings for Nina and Keefer, my dogs, if I hadn't found homes yet. Since space there is usually at a premium, I made the heartwrenching choice to take them, in hopes they would be lovingly adopted.

I stopped the car just short of the shelter, crying and unable to drive the final distance. I cried and cried. I scoured my options again. I raged inside. I begged for one last idea to come....anything to keep them with me. And after a short silence, I turned the car back on and took them.

Yesterday was also my first day at a new job at the hospital, a Firewatch position that involves consecutive 15 minute walks throughout designated places at the hospital to check for fires. Constant walking. Yet, since it didn't involve lifting of any kind, I felt a small hope that I might be able to do it. And, given the poor job economy here, I was sooo grateful for the opportunity. But after my four hour shift, I hobbled/limped out to Adam and realized that because of the injuries to my left ankle and right knee (suffered earlier this year), I would not be able to continue that job. More failure, more defeat.

*sigh*

I know that the next few weeks are going to be tough, but I also know the Universe has a plan for all of us, and I know it's going to be okay eventually. Having Adam here has been a huge blessing to me. But all of us here surely would benefit from extra prayers, if anyone has any spares.


I am currently: awake and writing when I should be sleeping
Listening to: the emptiness where Nina and Keefer ought to be