Transitions
09/19/2010 06:05 p.m.


Adam is amazing. The way we fit is amazing and beautiful, even when we disagree (and, believe me, there are times....LOL). The growth we are experiencing together is fragrant and lovely. He is the most interesting person I've ever met, and intelligent, and supportive of me and my journey, even when it takes him down a path he would never have traveled on his own. But that is part of the magic of loving someone, and honoring and respecting their journey. I've heard others speak of honor. They just don't know. To be able to be supportive, to BE THERE for someone, even when the terrain is strange or even difficult...that, to me, is when true love shows up.

I am glad I have this loveliness to sustain me, since the rest of my life is in a state of transition...

I had a dr's appt. two weeks ago. We talked about my ear infection (which has so beautifully cleared up and most of my hearing seems to be back). She made a referral to the ear-nose-throat doc in town (the same one who took out my tonsils when I was almost a grownup)to conduct a hearing loss test and to look at my ears more closely to see if anything can be done to reverse the damage of the recurring infections. We talked about the fact that I've been on five different antibiotics in the course of 8 months, and how ill I've been. I had a new issue to discuss with her as well....a trail of nerves in my left shoulder/arm/hand that hurt and tingle. She ordered x-rays of my neck, then called me from home the next morning to give me the results. Apparently what appeared on the x-rays was moderate-severe arthritis in my neck , bone spurs, and cervical spondylosis (a narrowing of the disc space - between the discs but also in the spinal canal of the neck). For this she has made a referral to a neurologist, I can only lift less than 20lbs, and I may need cervical spine surgery. She also said I MUST avoid stress, specifically, both the physical stress and the emotional stress of caring for Meme.

I knew it was coming, the end of me being able to care for Meme. But when I started this journey, I believed my ability to care for her would outlast her need for the care. I am sad and disappointed beyond words that it has turned out to be the other way around. Yet, I knew that the scarcity of respite care for myself was taking a toll. My body has been telling me for over a year. My family has been worried about me for just over a year, but I pushed on, thinking I could stretch myself just a little further...

So begins the tedious and sometimes frightening process of untangling myself from what had become my life, and transitioning all that I was in charge of to other hands. In conducting the research for getting Meme's affairs in order so that we can apply for medicaid and put her finances into an income cap trust, I have discovered in hindsight (being 20-20 and all...heh) that we, as a family, should have consulted an elder law attorney before we even started my caring for her. I have more than likely not kept the "books" properly, but I'm hoping it doesn't come back to bite us in the ass. And even after medicaid determines she is eligible, there is the task of finding a placement for her in the best home possible. Can I just say...OMG.

Beyond getting Meme settled, there are soooo many other loose ends. I have to let go of Meme's car, which leaves me with walking. Which would be ok if we didn't live on the VERY MOST western end of town, placing five to fifteen miles between me and anyplace I might need to go, not to mention any goods I might have to carry BACK with me, not to mention the fact that I am sooooo out of shape. I have to close up this house, and be careful not to sell any of her belongings for less than they are worth. It belongs to my aunt, and while she will be able to extend a month or two perhaps of "rent-free" housing, there is still the electricity, food, other living expenses to cover. I haven't been employed anywhere for nearly four years. And with the condition of my neck and the restrictions because of that, well, it rather limits what I can offer an employer. Ugh, just writing it....it all sounds so negative. And truly, I don't want to borrow trouble or even feel it is a weighted task ahead. The universe has taken me this far, I know I won't be dropped on my head now.

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do next, or how it's going to come together.

Adam has offered to take me back to the UK with him for an extended visit, but that requires about $2000.00....approx. $1000.00 for the plane ticket, and I have to show up with money or they won't let me in. And I'm thinking $1000.00 for the nearly six months I would be able to stay might not be enough, but it's a place to start.

My sister, who lives in Kansas, has said I could go stay with her so I could work and save up enough money to go to the UK eventually, so, that is an option even though living in Kansas for any amount of time doesn't really appeal and even though I'm crazy about my sister.

My aunt Celeste has said that I could stay temporarily with her and her husband, uncle Dan, but Dan isn't really fond of hosting for more than a weekend or so. I don't know, but being someplace where hosting me causes any level of discomfort isn't all that appealing to me for some reason. :))

The one thing I'm sure of, especially since Adam and I are on the same page about it :)), is that whatever the future holds, we would love to be together. Being citizens of different countries, however, means that being together is not a simple matter of moving to the same house or even the same city. And getting married is quite the daunting idea in whichever country we want to live. It's an expensive and complicated process, and we both have families in our own respective countries that we can't just leave behind.

So the bottom line is that I don't really know what or how the next few months are going to unfold or where I'm going to be or how I'm going to pay for any of it. Again, I know I've not come this far just to be dropped on my head now. And I KNOW that God knows what's coming, and that it will be for my highest good. I just feel a little, ummm, drifty at the moment. But at the same time, I know it's going to be an adventure....the bats have been flying where I can see them. Heh.

I am currently: struggling to hold it together
Listening to: music in the other room