Beyond Ridiculous
08/28/2010 08:33 p.m.

So I wake this morning, early, because of searing pain in my right ear. Right away, because I know I don't feel pain until my ear drum is about ready to burst, I call my doc's office so I can get a referral to the ER. Again.

Four prescriptions later (oral antibiotic, decongestant, oral and topical painkiller), I'm home praying that my ear drum doesn't burst and I am feeling better by Tuesday. But this is the fifth time I'll have been on antibiotics this year. It's too much. The ER doc said I HAD to go see the ear/nose/throat guy here...the same doctor who helped me a couple of years ago with my hearing loss. He's a nice doctor, and familiar with my head.

My body is screaming at me in so many ways, and I think it's telling me I'm going to have to make some changes. I have been loathe to consider not caring for Meme, but I can no longer ignore what my life is saying to me...enough caretaking and time to focus on me. I feel terrible about it. I've known for some time that I would not be able to continue caring for Meme with very little respite. I'd gotten approved for a state funded respite program two weeks before the funding for the entire program was cut. My grandmother has four children - three of whom live in the same state as us - none of whom will come and care for her. They have their reasons, and I understand them. Unfortunately, that understanding doesn't help me help Meme. But if I continue to provide care without any respite, it's clear that I'm going to lose my functionality and then she won't have me anyway.

Well, the plan for now goes like this. Take my medicine and rest as much as possible until Tuesday. Tuesday I pick up Adam and we go on vacation. I plan on resting up good, and laughing, and eating, and laughing some more.

After Adam and I get back, it's time to organize a family meeting and lay it out for everyone. No one will be surprised. They've all wondered how we've managed this long. It will devastate Meme though. God. How I don't want to do that.

I've got to figure out how to do this and not fall apart, and not feel like I've failed her, and not feel like I've failed me.

Well, I don't have to think about that today.

I am currently: in pain
Listening to: the whoosh whoosh whoosh behind my eardrum