Forgiveness
08/24/2010 11:14 p.m.
Forgiveness isn't about the other person.
It's about you.

I can't stop you from holding the anger, bitterness, hatred, and pain close
- a beloved security blanket allowing you to avoid seeing your own issues -
much as I'd love to see you happy.

We all get hurt by others.
You aren't the only one with sucky parents who used you as a whipping post.
You aren't the only one who's been cheated on, lied to, used and abused.
That doesn't give you an excuse to cheat, lie, use and abuse those close to you.

So why do you turn around and repeat those hurtful behaviors?
Because you can't forgive and not forgiving lets you blame everyone around you for your problems.
You get to stay miserable, you get to play the role of martyr to the hilt,
but mostly, you get to pretend we're the ones with the problem
instead of taking responsibility for your own choices and lack of foresight.

It's pretty obvious that when you're holding the faults of everyone else around you close
you'll be holding my faults that close as well.
When you talk about wanting those who hurt and anger you dead
I know you'll be talking that way about me eventually.

Perfection has never been my strong suit
any more than telling people what they want to hear has been.
I'm not a yes man and I don't want yes men around me,
I need people who love me enough to give me reasons why I'm wrong,
people who can be trusted because they'll state hard truths that will make me re-think my actions.
Because you need yes men, you cannot understand what I tried to gift you with.
Because you can only tolerate your opinions mirrored, you only mirror mine.
How can I trust you, knowing this?

I have a good idea of why you are the way you are.
I love you.
I forgive you.

But I can't have your razor sharp hatred in my life any more.
You don't care who you cut and you've already cut everybody who loves you to bloody ribbons.
When we try to tell you this, you ignore us and scream about us trying to live your life.
No - we're telling you that what you are doing is going to lead to consequences that will hurt you.
Consequences like us having to leave you behind. After all,
walking on eggshells is not a skill one should constantly have to exercise around a true friend.

I need closeness. I deserve love. I won't sabotage my other relationships to make you happy.
Nor will I allow you to sabotage them supposedly defending me.
You feed on anger and hatred, you can only relate to us from your level and
they follow you the way slime follows a slug.
I'm sorry you can't understand why this is wrong but I can't allow you to coat me with it
if I want my relationships to succeed and not fail exactly the way all yours have and are.

Too much time with you and my edges sharpen as well.
Your disrespect for others, especially men, is contagious.

Forgiveness is not for the person you're forgiving.
It's required to keep yourself from becoming someone those who love you cannot trust or respect...
someone they can't feel safe around.
Forgiveness does NOT mean I'm required to stay and let you keep hurting me over and over again.
I still love you but as long as you can't forgive,
my feelings will never matter.
I am currently Brooding