I know I've been away...
05/20/2010 08:28 p.m.

I know I've been away. Not entirely, but, my reading others' work and commenting has suffered. Kidney stones and surgery and moving and not knowing where money for living was going to come from and family crisis (plural) have been plenty since about mid-winter. And they're not finished, but I'm going to try and get some reading/commenting in before I get swept away again in the responsibility of it all.

My sister just got the news that the cysts on her liver are either pre-cancer or cancer, not simply cysts, and the surgery to remove them will be her third major surgery in less than two months. *sigh* I may be headed to Kansas to hold her hand and her hair back while she goes through chemo. My uncle will come to care for Meme until I can get back.

I've worked over Meme's and my budget to see if I can make it more likely that Meme and I will be able to continue to live here together. Her nest egg is gone, and so covering the monthly bills is down to her fixed monthly income. My aunt and uncle were considering allowing us to live with them, but it's not like it was an invitation. More of a reluctant, sacrificial consideration on their parts - something my uncle is not particularly good at pulling off. He gets sour pretty easily when he feels crowded, and that's not an ideal situation for anyone. I've gotten the cable people to lower the bill for a year, and shaved off "extras" everywhere I can think of shaving. There is no money left over for emergencies or even clothing, but Meme has agreed she'd rather eat beans and leftovers and wear old clothes for the rest of her life than have to go to a nursing home. I know, I know. Where are her children in all of this? That's an excellent question, which none of them seem eager or even willing to answer. If the dilema were left up to them to solve, they've made it pretty clear they would sooner see her in a nursing home than in any of their care. It sucks, but it is what it is.

My grandfather's cousin, who was more like a brother to him, has offered to help Meme and I out until December so that we can keep Meme in her own home rather than a nursing home. He says he's "old and can't make any commitments for more than a few months at a time". Bless him. He's 90, fairly well-to-do and calls my grandmother several times a year to see how she's doing. He doesn't owe either of us a damn thing, but still he offers to help. Wow. So, for now, it's status quo, and the worries associated with lack of funds can be back-burnered at least for the time being. Whew.

The 44 year old man I'm falling in love with, Adam, also offered to help financially so that I could continue to care for Meme, (which, if not for Meme's cousin-in-law, would have been terribly helpful). It's truly unselfish of him on so many levels. For one thing, me continuing to care for Meme means that I can't even consider moving to Scotland until I'm no longer needed here, and that, if he wants to be with me, he may have to leave his home in the UK to do it. The columbia gorge is a beautiful place, but not necessarily an easy place to live. Those of us who live here know - there is something heavy and oppressive here that sucks the energy out of you if you don't know how to cope with it. Plus, he has a history of being allergic to dogs. I have two - so he'd have to let the Benadryl fly. At any rate, Meme and I will be set, for a few months at least, but it was a lovely offer.

Beyond that, he is just an all-around incredible person. He's a freelance web developer. He's tender and kind and loving. He loves chick-flicks (which tickles me to no end), and isn't afraid to clap (or cry) when the romance wins. We have the same taste in music :). He's musically inclined, like me, and he loves to read/write poetry. We think about spiritual things in the same way, and we spend loooooong hours on skype talking and talking and talking and never running out of things to discuss. He loves physics as well as metaphysics, just like me, but doesn't talk over my head about it (thank goodness!!!). Most and BEST of all, so far, he's the only person I've ever been in a relationship with who loves ALL of me. It's not that he thinks I'm perfect, but he honors my journey and all the steps I'm taking, even the ones where I stumble. God knows I'm pretty clumsy these days. Hehe.

And it's not that he's perfect, either. I mean, none of us are! But, so far, he's the first man I've ever met who not only courageously embraces his encounters with his dragons but comes out of it with treasures. And, for once, his "dragons" are not the kind that threaten a relationship's survival. It's entirely refreshing to be with someone who actually takes responsibility for his side of the street and WANTS to (and DOES) deal with what he discovers there. I have immense respect for his journey. We are reading a couple of books together. One of them is "Awakening the Heroes Within", which is quite an interesting take on the human process. I adore hearing his point of view!!! We are two peas in pod in soooo many ways, which is nice. And when we're not, it makes for fascinating discoveries!

In other news....It's harder than I thought to be tied to the house nearly 24/7. Meme can be left alone only for VERY short periods, not even long enough for me to go to class anymore - mostly just long enough for me to get out and do the shopping or take the dogs for a walk. In all honesty, back when Meme needed to live with someone, no one imagined she would ralley herself this way. At the time, we all thought it was a 1-2 year commitment I was making,at the most. So, I've filled out paperwork to receive respite care so I can get a break in caring for Meme, and hopefully that will be available sooner rather than later.

My kids and their sense of family are finally recovering from the recent divide and conquer attempt. Turns out there were a lot more lies spread than I even knew about. I have the most amazing children. At the end of the day, it made us stronger, all of us.

Well, I feel like I'm leaving something out, but for the life of me, I can't think of what it might be. Early menopause symptoms, I'm told. Heh.

Hope my fellow poets are staying well. Love to see so many of you on facebook!!!

I am currently: feeling loved and supported despite the load
Listening to: the amazing peace provided by the headphones I was able to buy Meme so she could watch television at lower than 90% of the volume's capacity! hehehe.