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The Journal of Alison McKenzie What does it mean?
03/21/2010 10:01 p.m.
What does it mean, if you end up in the hospital with no one there, needing a ride home at 3:30 am and no one to come fetch you....not once, but twice!? What is a person left to think? I have to look at it. I don't want to look at it. But it's there looking at me and begging for an explanation.
When that ultimate hour of need is there....lying in the worst pain I've ever known....and no one is there...I have to look at it. I have to face what that means. Does it mean I'm a piece of shit? It has to mean that. Or someone would have been there. If I'd been a better wife, or friend, or mother, or niece...someone would have come, right? Someone would have said, "she should not be alone right now." No one said that. No one stayed with me. They all have other lives, more important matters to tend to. I understand that. I have to understand that.
What does it mean when you care for others the way you would want to be cared for and no one is here to care for you at all? What kind of fucked up things must I have done in this life or another that I find myself thus? I have to look at it.
But instead I want to run away. I want to go away. I want to start over. I want to not be here anymore. And I remember, I've never gone for long and not felt like this, even when I was a little girl. Long before I really could have incurred that kind of karma in this life.
What does it mean, that I am alone now and was alone through most of this whole illness, during the minutes and the seconds and the hours when I needed someone? And when I look at all the possible answers to that question, none of the answers seem good. Even if the ultimate answer is that I somehow create certain conditions to reinforce a certain perspective, that sucks. What kind of a person would I be to continually want the truth to reveal that I suck so bad that I deserve to feel this way, which is alone and abandoned?
I know I am not totally unloved. I KNOW that is not true. But, when the rubber hits the road and there is no one there to comfort you, no one to give you a ride home from the ER, no one to remind you to drink when you're too dehydrated to be able to do that for yourself, no one to rouse you when you pass out between the bathroom and the bedroom...I mean, the evidence is compelling.
And I can't stop shuddering at what it means...
| Member Comments on this Entry |
| Posted by Shonda Chrissonberry on 03/21/10 at 10:12 PM Oh Doll, if I lived there ~ you know I would have been there. I am so sorry. I know how it feels to be alone. The last time I was really sick like that and I wanted to go to the ER, I didn't have anyone at the moment either, all of my family was at evening church service with their phones turned off. It's hard being single, but I think this only gives us strength. If only you knew how much I have (and still do btw) look up to you. I love you Ali. *hugs* |
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| Posted by Clara Mae Gregory on 03/21/10 at 11:04 PM I know you are feeling so low and disappointed, and it will pass....I only wish I could be near in your time of need to help you and I know many feel the same...Ali, I know your heart is hurting because you have been let down by those closest to you and it is hard for me to understand this,too....but don't give in or give up....we love you, I love you....and you do not suck...stop beating yourself up over something undeserved....you need some pampering, girl...hang in there...it will come. |
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| Posted by A. Paige White on 03/22/10 at 01:47 AM Oh Ali. I'm so sorry. Like you said, when the rubber hits the road it really doesn't mean much to just tell someone sorry. I would have fetched you home if I'd have been anywhere around... and stayed long enough you'd have been figuring out how to get rid of me will that woman NEVER go home...go away... I'm praying for our Lord to bring you the comfort He bought and paid for when He was truly alone, too. Love you girl. I wish wish wish I could do more than just talk it. |
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| Posted by Cathlyn Cartier on 03/23/10 at 04:45 PM When things like this happen, it's often not about "us", it's about other people, and having their faults revealed to us can be painful and upsetting... it sucks being the object that is used to reveal a lesson. While many of us aren't able to be there physically for you and with you, we are there spiritually, and lifting you up for peace, comfort and rest. |
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| Posted by James Zealy on 03/24/10 at 03:48 PM In the grand scheme of things, a care taker is not always a care receiver. The short answer is this. You have spent your life giving care to others, now it is imperative you start putting Ali first or there will be no Ali for someone to turn to. All the sorries in the world cannot correct that paradigm. We all love and care for you, but please take care of Ali first and foremost. |
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| Posted by Marcy White on 03/25/10 at 07:00 AM I have felt like this before. It's hard to be somebody who cares so much, and then to be left all alone when you need somebody. I have decided it boils down to this; 1. You can't spend so much time caring about others, that you forget to care about yourself. and 2. No matter how much you care, and you feel compelled to care...most people, unfortunately, are too self-involved to care about anybody else..and most people will never realize how much you cared about/for them.
...I know I don't know you, but I am truly sorry that this happened to you. Of course...it is (fortunately or unfortunately?) in my nature to care.
...also I'm sorry to post, when you don't even know me...but I just happened upon your journal, and had to say something. |
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| Posted by Marcy White on 03/25/10 at 07:01 AM I have felt like this before. It's hard to be somebody who cares so much, and then to be left all alone when you need somebody. I have decided it boils down to this; 1. You can't spend so much time caring about others, that you forget to care about yourself. and 2. No matter how much you care, and you feel compelled to care...most people, unfortunately, are too self-involved to care about anybody else..and most people will never realize how much you cared about/for them.
...I know I don't know you, but I am truly sorry that this happened to you. Of course...it is (fortunately or unfortunately?) in my nature to care.
...also I'm sorry to post, when you don't even know me...but I just happened upon your journal, and had to say something. |
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| Posted by Marcy White on 03/25/10 at 07:01 AM I have felt like this before. It's hard to be somebody who cares so much, and then to be left all alone when you need somebody. I have decided it boils down to this; 1. You can't spend so much time caring about others, that you forget to care about yourself. and 2. No matter how much you care, and you feel compelled to care...most people, unfortunately, are too self-involved to care about anybody else..and most people will never realize how much you cared about/for them.
...I know I don't know you, but I am truly sorry that this happened to you. Of course...it is (fortunately or unfortunately?) in my nature to care.
...also I'm sorry to post, when you don't even know me...but I just happened upon your journal, and had to say something. |
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| Posted by Marcy White on 03/25/10 at 07:02 AM ...I am also sorry my computer froze and made me spam your journal. I have no idea how to delete the extras, but hopefully you can? :( *is embarrassed* |
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