So one day you wake up....
03/07/2010 09:54 p.m.


So one day, you wake up, more than half a life lived. And you think……”jesus, this is my life. This is it. No more school days. No more 20 year-old breasts. No more dreams of idyllic weddings or certain ways of living. Kids are grown. No husband. Caretaking nearly the whole of life so far and now what? What will I do next? Who will I become now? Where do I want to be, and do I have the means and the stamina to get there?

He is still here, smelling, now, like the perfume of the 9 different women who threw themselves at him on his night out without me, and sporting a decent looking hickey. Interesting. On the one hand, I don’t know what I would have done without his constant energy and repartee and sharing. On the other hand, my feelings about it are complicated and not necessarily logical and not altogether pleasant. I mean, we’re not a couple. We’re not even lovers. The women literally drool when he walks by, and who would I be to even hope to compete? The truth is I can’t. And the truth also is, even if I could……perhaps I wouldn’t want to. So….my emotions are claiming feelings that my brain says are ridiculous and unwarranted. There is jealousy, but I can’t tell if it’s toward the other women, or toward him for having the opportunity and the whatever it takes to be “out there” while I am chained to my caretaking duties. Maybe it’s both, and how dull of me. And so I am left wondering if I can deal. I honestly don’t know.

My mother hasn’t spoken to me since she refused to come and help with Meme as long as my dogs are living here (and of course it isn’t at all about the dogs….they could be dealt with on a temporary basis for her sake). To be fair, I haven’t called her either. I wonder how many times she will abandon her responsibilities in a way that leaves them for me to take care of in this life. I am not inclined, however, to force her to care for her own mother even a few times a year. I just find it deplorable of her. And I wonder if I will ever respect her. At this late date, the probable answer is “no.”

Kate is moving to Hawaii on March 31 for an indefinite period of time. I am soooo thrilled for her as she and her boyfriend are sooooo excited about the opportunity to be in that beautiful environment! But, ohhhh, how I will miss her.

Have a dr's appt on Monday. Hope nothing too serious is uncovered. Ugh.

I am currently: ill
Listening to: the swirl of life around me