The whole thing with him was distinctly different...
10/03/2009 05:06 a.m.

But what does that mean? In EVERY other major romantic relationship in my life, (which is a total of 4 besides him) I recruited those relationships - actively. The recruitment was two-fold. I think it starts out as an attempt to partake of my drug of choice - which is romantic relationships - to soothe or numb the pain of the lastest loss, the latest question/answer session of "am I wanted" ending with the inevitable answer (or evidence) that "no, of course I'm not wanted" (it's a given that this "truth" is illusion). So, the two-fold part of the recruitment meets the need of numbing old pain along with the question/answer piece of it, all happening subconsciously.

*taking a deep breath*

Somehow, the whole thing with him was different. I didn't recruit him. It was his idea to come up here, and I always felt like I was the one being pursued. I tried to take over the pursuit a couple of times, but he did things his way, in his timing. So, there is something relative about the fact that I didn't recruit him and the fact that the loss has been so intensely more difficult to get over. I'm still not entirely clear about the connection between not recruiting him and how difficult losing him is, I just sense there is one and it's significant, because I think it's allowed me to make a major shift.

When the possibility of a new relationship has presented itself over these recent past months, I am keenly aware of two very strong inclinations. The first is to dive into it head first, to allow myself to be lured by the promise of happy days and fresh beginnings. So far, though, these past months, I've only toyed with my inclination to entirely dive in and haven't actually pursued any relationship.

The second is to run away, just cut a potential relationship loose before it gets too far. In recent months this is most often what I ended up deciding to do, especially if the guy presses the issue at all. Some part of me reasons that if I end things now, I can avoid the entire potential of getting hurt or making a potentially unhealthy decision. It's actually surprised me that this inclination has ended up winning so often over the desire to dive in.

The emotions associated with both options are very intense and compelling, and in the past I think I've nearly always acted on one of them. But, in my recent quest to become an observer of rather than a reactor to my emotions, I've decided to just stand still and not make any major decisions either way about it, to just "be" in the moment, making note of these emotions and observing. In this process of standing still, I've realized that I'm not familiar with this territory at all, this place simply called "being" and it's not entirely comfortable to NOT take action of some kind, but it's SOOOO much more comfortable than rushing ahead one way or the other. And, the one thing I am ULTRA clear about is that if ANY action is to be taken, these days my only desire to take right action.

My suspicion is that neither of the original two options has ever been "right action", and, as I was actually writing that poem, it occured to me that perhaps a "middle" way might appear before me, but how I've just never stood still long enough for it to happen. Maybe the fact that I didn't recruit him, along with how much more difficult it's been to deal with losing that relationship and the future we had planned has made it possible to think just stand still now.

Oh, and I feel it's important to note...the "drug of choice" piece has, probably in the revelation of it, become less and less of an issue. I mean, I don't "crave" being in a relationship anymore, and I'm almost certain it has alot to do with the "work" I'm doing around that. Apparently breaking emotional addictions is a different process than breaking physical ones, even when they serve the same purpose.

The process of these truths unfolding is definitely something.

I am currently: untangling
Listening to: the Ching