You live, you learn
10/01/2009 04:02 a.m.


And so it goes. I was given a strange gift, a difficult (but therapuetic) pill to swallow, and I've attempted to write about it, explain it in here, several times, but the explanation doesn't come. Still, I wanted to speak of it, because it marks the turning of a corner for me, and it should be noted. For, as difficult as that information was to swallow, it is the most effective remedy I've encountered, and I'm actually grateful to have it rolling around inside me.

This is my core wound, the wound around which one ultimate question always forms: "Am I wanted?" I understand that I recruit most relationships to answer this critical question in story form, with the conclusion overwhelmingly saying to me (whether it's true or not), "You are unwanted. Just look around you, alone, in the garden where nothing grows - again." And, let me be clear, it is NOT the other person's fault...the misfiring of the information happens inside MY psyche.

There is the quiet disappointment in myself, that my intuition was screaming the truth at me all along, which was that I was about to, yet again, embark upon a journey that would end with the message "see? you are truly unwanted". Of course I didn't listen for I was too busy convincing myself that I had found the one place that I was finally wanted, which, as it turns out, is not this issue at all. And this all too often goes to my own detriment, to my own suffering.

Now comes the deafening resolution, and the solitude that follows...a season of transition.

At least I can finally get my bearings again after making that difficult detour through that tiny but treacherous little journey and begin again. If I could custom-fashion that future, it would be blissfully absent of the inclination to repeat the experience.

But how...?

I am currently: transitioning
Listening to: reason