Marveling
07/30/2009 07:21 p.m.


So I’ve been marveling at the universe, how things are revealed in time, how things unfold beyond my grasp of whatever it was I imagined life would be like now.

Truth be told, I never really could wrap my mind around what I’d be doing after I was done being a full time Mom (cuz, you never stop being a mom). And I say that as if I was totally dedicated to that task. Another truth…but it won’t come as a surprise to anyone who knows me at all…I never knew what I was doing in that role. I only knew I had kids, and being Mom was what that part of my life had to be about as much as I could focus that way. And I didn’t focus that way nearly as much as they needed me to. A woman with a stronger yin side might have been able to embrace it more than I did. Then again, having a strong yang disposition was probably needed in my situation. There were too many things that might have done me in emotionally had I not embraced my warrior(ess) side.

Of course, I’ve had my little visions of the future. The future with Miah was especially vivid, and I loved to imagine what we’d do after my responsibilities as a caretaker were through. Alas, that future was apparently not to be…

Well, at any rate, that part of my life is over. I mean, I’m a grandma now, and as my yin side peeks out more and more (the softer, gentler side of being me), I suppose that will help me embrace the different nurturing that will be called into reality.

But this entry isn’t really about that. It’s more about healing. And writing.

Years ago, (I think it was about 18 years ago) I had a dream. It disturbed me and intrigued me all at once. I told it to my grandfather. He was a minister and had a penchant for interpretations. In the dream, I’d been comforting this couple who’d just lost their baby to SIDS. I related because of losing P.J. the same way. In the dream, their baby’s body was sitting in an infant seat near them. In a gesture of sympathy, I touched the baby’s foot. As I touched, and wherever I touched, life began to return to the tissue. Soon, I was massaging the baby, the touch bringing him back to life, and as I got to his face, the touching brought color back to his little face, and soon, he was cooing and smiling, kicking his little legs and working his arms in the cutest fashion. The parents, of course, were thrilled. And so was I!!! How amazing that I could spare them the grief of losing their child, of having to live without the shine of that beautiful little soul. We were all crying and laughing and full of joy. There was another part of the dream that involved my own baby who’d died of SIDS, but I don’t really think it’s relevant to what I want to write about now.

After I’d told him the dream, Grandpa took my hands in his and looked deeply into my eyes. He was not often known for such intimacies, so it stands out to this day as a rare moment with him. He said, “Ali, I’m going to tell you something, Sweetheart, that the Lord has just told me to relay to you. You have been given healing in these hands. And someday, maybe not soon, but someday, you are going to be asked to use these hands to heal. He’s given you a gift, and whenever such a gift is given, so, also, is great responsibility. Remember that I’m telling you this. Remember that dream, and what it means, and when the time comes, remember the call that’s been placed on your life.”

A few years later, when I had a very special native american woman in my life, the first time she took my hands, she said, “oooooh, these hands – these hands.” Her eventual sentiments were the same as my grandpa’s.

I wondered about it off and on through the years, but it was always on a backburner. Until recently. A few months ago, situations began popping up where I’d be asked to “help out” with energy work, sending good energy, etc. And so many times that I’ve lost count now, I’ve been asked if I might use my hands to help with an ache or pain, or nerve damage, or bone situations. I don’t know how it works, or why. I only know that as I focus, things will pop into my head to visualize, colors I’m asked to “send” into the tissue, and my hands vibrate, and sometimes there is heat, and sometimes not. I know the person doesn’t have to be in my presence for help to come. I just know it isn’t “me”, that I’m just the vessel being used to transmit this energy, and that the energy seems to help. I haven’t had any training, and I don’t feel particularly led to seek any at this point. I’m just glad to help.

And yet, I don’t understand. I mean, my life isn’t perfect. I’m not perfect. I still have my flaws and my dysfunctions. I would have thought that a person in that condition couldn’t help, wouldn’t be asked to help. I would have thought a person asked to help would need to have a life that was a better example to others. But if I’m asked to help, and what happens brings relief to the person receiving it, I’m glad to do it anyway.

And then the writing. I was just recently asked to join a small staff of writers on a website that discusses unexplainable phenomenon. I didn’t go looking for it. I simply found a few grammatical errors/typos on a sister site, offered to point them out, was asked to do a thorough sweep of the site, and after I’d turned in what I’d found, I was offered the job to write between 20-30 articles a month. I’m still deciding if I want to take on that responsibility or not. I feel the importance of maintaining my integrity and the integrity of whatever I’d write about, and, honestly, I don’t know if I’m up to it. But the fact that it was presented to me seems amazing to me, the Universe (or Divinity, or God, or whatever you’d like to call it) at work in my life still.

I feel blessed. I feel progress happening. I feel things slipping into place, and I don’t feel the need to “worry” about that anymore. And I just wanted to write it all down.

I am currently: Marvelous
Listening to: Shine by Tina Malia & Shimshai