Endorphine Release
07/23/2009 08:16 a.m.

Doin the solo hike. Life is good.

It's not that I don't still miss Miah, because a good portion of the time I do. I wondered at first if it was actually him, or just the idea of being with someone. It was him. Our brand of laughing. Our planning. Hanging out with him. But today I let it pass through me, observing it, not judging, not using any other people, places or things to numb any of these feelings. I know I'm growing because of it. I don't linger in it, but I don't brush it aside either.

I have no desire to be in any other relationship right now. This is a new thing for me. I have my friends, my family, and my future to tend to. I like my future. I can see myself in a few different scenarios, and all of them are easy to imagine solo.

I like exploring this way. I like living this way. I am worry-free. I have everything I need to walk this journey. And I feel love, even as I lay in my big comfy bed singing acapella. It's different than the harmony or dissonance of two, but it has a beauty all its own.

I still cry about Miah. In fact, the tears are almost always right here, just below the surface of functioning, waiting to spill at the slightest emotion about him. It doesn't make any practical sense, I know. I can hear some of my friends saying, "Don't cry. You'll make your nose red." but it's a suffering I can't seem to shake right now. Again, I'm just letting the feelings pass through, releasing them to go and serve others who might need to experience them.

:D

I am currently: a tootsie-roll tootsie pop - sweet and crunchy on the outside and you have to BITE me to get to the chewy goodness inside.

Listening to: binaural beats "Endorphine Release"