Getting some new sensations, trying to move on from the old
03/06/2009 04:51 a.m.

Of course I'm wandering around in my emotions aimlessly this week, feeling optimistic one minute, and bereft the next. I miss him more than words. Part of me knew it had to end, but part of me still looks for his car in our driveway and longs for his warmth at night. It is a death, only with the torturous hope that something might be rekindled someday.

I still can't believe it's real. Tears are right there, just waiting to be released. But I don't want to indulge myself. I don't feel it's productive to give in to this grief every time it wants to poke through. I need to function. If I gave in to the grief, I'd just stay in bed with a box of kleenex. Who has that luxury?

My intellect knows that we finally went down a dead end road. I just had such high hopes after we had wandered around and found so many more paths to take together. I counted on our future. He promised me he'd be there. He asked me to be there with him, and I said yes. But when it was time for the rubber to hit the road, suddenly there was not enough substance to keep us moving forward. I find myself entirely discouraged and fighting a deep, dark depression.