Must be catching up with me
03/02/2009 08:09 p.m.

I feel tired today, drained. I don't want to judge myself for how I'm feeling, or attach any extra significance to it. I just want to observe it, and allow myself to be as I am.

I miss him.

I am going to go away this month, somewhere. I don't know where just yet. I would love to go back to Breitenbush, but I'm a bit wary of it just yet as it was on that trip that Miah proposed to me.

I checked into going to visit my sister in Missouri, but the only time I have available to do that would be spring break, and the tickets are prohibitively expensive for that week (of course), so that doesn't appear to be an option. Maybe I'll shoot for summer break. I'll have a week between the end of spring term and the beginning of summer term.

My mother said she would come to care for Meme, so we'll see. I've been invited to visit my friend Beth in Eugene (she's a wonderful woman I met on the trip to Breitenbush). She's invited me to attend her dream group on Wednesday the week of March 23rd. It's a group of women who have been meeting for over a decade to discuss dreams, and create rituals that honor their collective processes as women. I like it, and I'd love to start a group like that here in The Dalles. So it would be one way to nurture myself some, check out the dynamics of a group like that, and hang out with Beth too.

I am currently reading the book "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's pretty amazing, to see bits of myself in her experiences and her beliefs about herself, and to read of her 12 month journey through Italy, India and Indonesia.

I dreamed, last night, that my ex husband came in a guise of friendly banter, but he had hidden a knife in his sleeve, and sliced me with it during what I thought was going to be an embrace. I woke quivering, my heart pounding, and stayed awake for some time afterward.

I wish I could sleep for about a week.