jimmie joyce jones
02/26/2009 06:25 p.m.
my grandmother, gams, died today 13 years ago. it was a leap year, and she was buried on the 29th. once that was over and behind me (and when is it ever, really?), i always used to think maybe she's only buried and resting every 4 years. those 3 years between, she's not really anywhere.

i remember when my mom and i visited her grave sometime after, i think it might've been the year anniversary. she's buried in birmingham, alabama where we lived, and it was so cold. and hovering right over her grave was a big fat bumblebee...in the middle of the winter.

she used to tell the story of how she took her dress off at church when she was younger because a bee flew up her skirt. i must've been only about 11 or 12 when we went to the grave and saw that bee.

my grandmother's death marked the end and beginning of me. my mom had already remarried and moved to mississippi. gams was my last tether to childhood...i was 11 when she died, and by 13 i'd slept with my stepbrother and shattered everything that had been built up to that point. everything i've ever done since then, in the back of my mind, i've thought about how she would react. she was like my mother and father. i'd never know the numbness of losing someone so close before then.

i don't really know how to feel about death. i don't think i'll ever know, i guess.
I am currently Sad
I am listening to 'harvest moon' - james mercer (of the shins) cover