The Day After
02/16/2009 05:59 a.m.

Well, I will thank God for small (and large) blessings. Yesterday wasn't so bad.

I think I'm liking the pace we've taken for the break up. Since the break up isn't ALL about disagreements and obstacles, since a lot of it is simply a mutual decision to end our committed relationship in favor of some growth that has to happen alone, (even though, things ARE ending nonetheless), I'm trying to allow this to be a softer/gentler ending than one that is angry where we are both cast to the ends of defensiveness and degradation.

That first week was hard. He's leaving on the 20th. We'll see how the rest of the time goes. I'm sure after he is gone, my bottom will fall out. For a minute, anyway. I'll climb back up.

I visited today with a friend I met when Jeremiah and I went to Breitenbush. Her name is Beth, and she's about the sweetest person I've ever met, and funny, and tender, and intelligent, and brilliant. We went to lunch and then went to a nearby new-age bookstore. We bought healing stones and books (I bought "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert - highly recommended by Beth) and had a great time. She is one of the only women I've ever hung out with in my adulthood, and it feels strange but very nice to have an actual potential friend.

Afterward, I saw my counselor, the one I thought Miah and I were going to be seeing together. I wasn't sure if it was going to be an exit session, or if he would consider continuing to see me on an individual basis. He will see me individually, and I'm grateful. He got his Masters at Harvard and he's a Unitarian Church minister, so I think his suggestions are going to very helpful.

He said he sees me as sort of always fluttering about, not being grounded anywhere. Well, ok - I think that's probably fair enough. I have always tried to use relationships to ground me, and, well, we see how that's worked out through the years (more like NOT worked out)! So, it's time to figure this stuff out once and for all, define my passion, and where I want to go with my life. It feels like he's going to be a life-coach of sorts. I haven't run that by him yet, and I'm not sure how he would feel about it, but I think that's what it feels like to me.

In the meantime ("oh NO, not the MEANtime...), today I don't feel miserable. Today I feel curious and a little hopeful about the future. One of these days, and soon, I am going to be able to set my caretaker hat aside, and then....who knows what I'll embrace???!!!

I am currently: numbly content
Listening to: my dog try to talk to me