Call from CA
01/31/2009 09:03 p.m.

He called to tell me he plans to keep his flight on Wednesday. I noted that he did not say, "I'm coming home," just an observation. He hasn't made any final decisions, doesn't want to make them from California where we have to do it over the phone. He's missed me. He loves me more than ever, more than he's ever loved anyone. He still does. But if this is just going to end anyway, he thinks it would be wiser to end it now than wade through any more suffering. He's frustrated that our time together has been so fraught with difficulties. He's concerned with the age difference, and how it's been showing up more.

I couldn't agree more.

We're opposites, and my way frustrates him, and his way frustrates me. He survives by rolling with the punches. I survive by taking action, just to keep things moving forward, even if it's not right action. When he gets stuck, he just sits down and observes the scenery. When I get stuck, I push. I take control. Neither way seems entirely effective in my opinion, but each is our own way of dealing, and does seem to have a particular merit too . And I'd personally love to see us learn from each other's way of dealing. But I think he may have found the ceiling of being tolerant with me. I don't blame him. I don't blame me, either.

He said if we broke up, he knew it would shatter my heart and his too. He said he knew I didn't want for this information to influence him, but he couldn't help it, it does influence him. He can't stand the thought of leaving me shattered. I said these in response:

1) He can't stay with me out of pity!!! If he feels that leaving me is what he needs to do, I feel he HAS to honor that, because staying out of pity would just cause both of us waaaaaay too much suffering in the long run.

2) If him leaving me causes my heart to shatter, how does he know that a shattered heart isn't just what I'm supposed to experience? And who does he think he is, potentially robbing me of some great epiphany that God may have designed through this experience? If I go on alone forever, or if I go fuck 100 different men (ok, that's not happening, but)...my point is, whatever I do after he lets go of me is none of his business - at that point, it's strictly between me-n-God.

3) I'm going to be ok, no matter what he decides to do. If he leaves me, I'll grieve, and then I'll get on with my life however I do. I'm a big girl, and I'll get through this.

I am looking forward to Wednesday picking him up at the airport in Portland. We've decided to take the day to ourselves, not rush back to The Dalles, spend the night and just be together, talk things through some more if we can to try to get closer to deciding what to do. I prefer to have things settled. I do not like loose ends. But this is a good stretch for me, to not just "get this done" one way or the other. It's good for me to linger in the decision making of this, to not make a snap decision just to have it settled.

And so our journey continues...

I am currently Better
I am listening to my symphony of wind chimes - really gorgeous today!