Tough week so far..
01/29/2009 08:58 p.m.

I still have four more nights to get through before I know what he's decided. Getting to bed has been the hardest thing - we've shared so much intimacy there, our most tender moments of depth and sharing have happened there. I find myself reluctant to face those (beautiful) ghosts, to be reminded so acutely of his absence.

I am dealing with my deepest fears: rejection and abandonment (even though he didn't leave suddenly or without explanation) - these certainly seem to be repetitious experiences in my life - That feeling of being cast aside in favor of more relevant people or issues or even desires. I am certainly learning to recognize rejection's gritty voice. Ahhhhh, the key - to not allow myself to be destroyed in the process.

It has taken every ounce of my self-control to NOT call him myself, to honor that week he's taken for himself to clear his head and think this through. BUT, I've managed to do it. And whenever I find myself dwelling on the negative, or becoming bogged down by my fears, I repeat some well-thought-out positive affirmations. I can do this. Everything is as it should be. This is all for the highest good of everyone involved, and one day, I'll know why I had to wait.

The tears, at least, do not fall as readily, and that is a blessing. My stomach is still a mess and I'm not eating (I've got a MORE than generous reserve to draw on, so that doesn't worry me too much at this point...LOL). But overall I feel myself feeling less and less anxious. Time will reveal it all, and this, too, shall pass.


I am currently Quiet
I am listening to the mute button and all the wisdom there