Long distance discussion
01/27/2009 08:55 a.m.

We've been trying to figure out whether or not we can go on. All along, he has stated without fail that he loves me and doesn't want to leave. But tonight, he finally admitted that what we've been doing isn't working for him. At every turn, our efforts to make things smoother seem only to produce more questions about the future, more conflict, more difficulties, more confusion. Instead of things getting ironed out, we seem only to produce more wrinkles, the garment of "us" getting more and more disheveled the further we go.

For my part, all along I have felt the uneasy tug of....something....I can't quite put my finger on. Sure, there are the obvious challenges, some down-right character defects that clash, our age difference and my concerns about the future based on that. But even underneath that, there has been this uneasy feeling that started out the size of a hairline fracture and seems, now, to be the size of something much more pervasive.

I can't stop crying. It doesn't seem like, if breaking up was the right thing to do, that it would cause this much desolation. But we've tried just continuing, and that doesn't seem to produce much in the way of feeling healthy, either.

So we're taking a week to think things over, and we'll have a discussion next Monday about what we want to do next.

Contemplating a future without him, without the comfort of the plans we made together(albeit idyllic), is almost too much to bear. Most of it has to do with going forward without Jeremiah, but part of it is just that it's one more loss, one more time my heart held onto the promise of something that will probably never be, and how attached I was to the idea that I had found my mate at last.



I am currently Reflective
I am listening to wind whip through the empty passages of a future without Miah