2009...and 25.
01/07/2009 03:25 p.m.
i'm going to be 25 this year. i feel like that means something.

i realize that i'm not satisfied with who i am these days. as if by this point, i should have things sorted out much more than i do. but what needs to change in order to change it all? like a math application for life. L - X = L^2 with (L) being life and (^2) being 'better.' and 'better' in what way?

for one, i've got to stop comparing myself constantly. to other people, to ideals of who i should be. this is a big one for me. i define myself by the opinions of everyone but myself because, well, i feel especially flawed for various reasons. how could i possibly successfully steer myself?

my 'flaws' need to be re-evaluated. so i'm bipolar? lots of people are, and i've got it under more control than most. i'm on meds that work. it doesn't make me less of a person. if anything, it makes me more of a person, much more multi-faceted than most people. i have a definite distinction and the ability to see it, the ability to identify part A and part B, even though the line is fuzzy.

so i'm overweight and have horrible self-esteem? a lot of people deal with the same issues and still lead satisfying lives. (see me comparing myself again?) i can't do much about these things all in one day. or month. or year. but i know it's baby steps. i want to be able to look in the mirror and not see a monster. i want to be able to believe compliments.

i've lived a quarter of a century now, and what have i learned? that i am more than my outside. i am more than a body or a heart or a mind. i am a package of all of these things, and one cannot be in charge of the others. i am a human being, and nothing about this existence is meant to be perfect or streamline. it's okay to be flawed - it's the flaws that make people endearing.

i believe that i create most of my own problems - i am my own worst enemy. i need to shake hands and make peace with myself. call a truce. stop holding grudges against myself. mistakes are made and cannot be erased, but they don't need to be. gather strength from scars, inside and out. but don't make more.

here's to 2009. may it bring comfort and knowledge to us all.
I am currently Insecure
I am listening to 'summertime' - sublime