Blocked.
12/31/2008 06:14 p.m.
I don't know what the deal is with me lately. I used to be able to write things that actually meant something. Maybe not to you, or anyone else, but to me. Now I'm stuck with this damn writers block again. I get stuck in this rut, and words don't come to me. I end up writing things that are cliche and rhyme too much. Like, floor door chore. lol. That kind of rhyme. Ah well. Sometimes I just sit here and words come to me, they just flow through my head. I may not be the best writer, or any good at all in fact...but I enjoy writing. I guess that's all that matters. Maybe not on a site like this, but that's all that matters to me. Hopefully I can get past this writers block and get some good poetry up again. It's been too long. As always, your opinions and criticism is not only accepted, but expected! =)

In other news, I wrote this last night.....It's SUPER long, so if you don't want to read it you don't have to.

[Taken from my weblog, written last night]

So, I was sitting here tonight just thinking, letting my mind wander freely. I started to think about the past a lot, then the future..And I realized, I have no idea what I'm doing! I keep thinking back to the past, to decisions I've made, people I've hurt, people who have hurt me, the users, and the used...I can't help but feel regret, sorrow, pity, and guilt. I don't think those are normal emotions that people feel when they reminisce about their past. Are they?

It's like this. I was a wild child. I mean, literally...child. I started drinking and smoking before I even had my PERMIT to drive. I started dating older guys when I was 14, just looking for something...though, to this day I'm not sure what. I kept up that lifestyle for many years. I spent a few years partying a lot. Mostly with older people. I was 14, and the people we'd party with were in their mid 20's. I guess looking back that's really messed up on so many levels. What kind of 20 something year old man lets 14 year old girls drink in his house.....You know the kind. I guess I'm lucky nothing ever really happened to me. I can't sit here and tell you I regret every drink, every night spent with my friends having a good time, because it would be a lie. I do regret that I started so young, and that I had to learn so many life lessons the hard way.

It just kills me now, that I can sit here as a 22 year old wife, & mother and I see these 14-15 year old girls drinking, having sex, partying, smoking, and I think to myself what a sad mess. Then I have to bite my tongue, which I rarely do because that hot mess USED to be me...I guess I can see now, why at the time everything seemed so fun. I was part of a group of friends, all we did was cause mischief and mayhem. I wasn't the leader of the pack by any means, but I wasn't far behind. I got myself into so much trouble when I was younger, and in more ways than I'd care to count.

The way I used to live my life cost me a lot of things. Mostly, people. friendships. relationships. trust. I lost some of my best friends over nothing, and ruined relationships over less. I wasn't the best person in the world, and I can admit it. I hurt a lot of people who didn't deserve to be hurt, all the way up until I moved to Tennessee in fact. I wanted to believe I was an adult then, that I was grown up, and could fend for myself. The truth of it was, I wasn't...and I couldn't. I needed someone there for me at all times. I had never felt so dependent on someone in my entire life, aside from when I dated Tom. I don't know. I guess when I was younger all I ever wanted was a steady man in my life. Someone who wouldn't just walk in and out like other guys in my world did. I wanted stability, love, and affection. I never really felt like I got a whole lot of that from anyone growing up. I distanced myself, and then never understood why no one wanted to be around me. It is rather contradictory I know, but it's the truth.

When I was 15 years old, I thought I had found the stability I had been craving for so long, in my then boyfriend Tom. We were together off and on for a little over 2 years, and we had a great relationship albeit rocky, but that's to be expected given that I was a teenage girl. He and I were great together, but sometimes good things go bad, people change, situations change, and people grow apart. It's a really sad thing to think about, but amazingly enough through all the hurt we caused each other, through every broken piece of ourselves, we ended up being friends. The pain took a long time to go away, and forgiveness took even longer...years to be exact, but today he's one of my best friends, and he knows there's always a special place for him in my heart. He is one of the few men I trust, and one of the few who knows almost everything there is to know about me. He was honestly with me through the hardest time of my life. Through my depression, my cutting, through it all. He was right there. He's always been there when I needed someone, even if he wasn't. I know that doesn't make sense, but to me it does. *Shrug*

More recently, was Aaron. I know...it's been a long time since I've even mentioned his name. He was a great friend to me in high school, and when we met up years later we had a great time together. He was a fun person with good morals, and he had his shit together. He was everything I wanted in someone, and we decided to give it a shot. Unfortunately, as time went on things started to go sour. I know not many people know exactly what happened, or why..shit, I'm not even sure I do. I just know that the day I entered his world, I sent him into a downward spiral. Our lives together, were nothing if not a giant mess. We tried to make it anyways, tried to defy the odds...but that wasn't happening. His family hated me, I hated myself, and he tried his damndest to make things work regardless of how depressed he was as well. I am ashamed to say that I was acting like a spoiled brat when I was with him. I wanted to feel loved, taken care of, secure...I acted more like a child than I did his girlfriend. To this day, I regret the way things came to an end with him. When he was working all night (3rd shift) and sleeping all day because he was more tired than the average person as a diabetic, I spent my time online chatting with friends, or on the phone. After six months of the same pattern, I couldn't take it any more. I felt sad, and alone even though I wasn't. I felt like I had failed him, and that I wasn't worth the time or effort. I knew that I was just wasting his time. I knew that he didn't want the same things I wanted, at the same times I wanted them. I decided that a change of scenery would help things out. Help us out. I knew he wouldn't go. I honestly wanted him to. I did. I wanted to let him know that I was willing to try, but...he decided to let me go alone. And, like the spoiled bitch I was...I went. Not only did I leave, but he drove me. You see, all those times that he slept the day away, only to get up, eat, shower, and leave for work just to do it again in the morning, all those nights I was chatting online to Andrew. Yes, my husband Andrew.

With Andrew, for the first time in a long time I felt something. A spark. A connection. I don't know what it was. I had butterflies when he'd speak to me, I blushed when he called, I was finally getting the attention I craved. I was always his number one priority. He would stay up til 2 am to talk to me, even though he had to be up for work at 5. He would call me every night at 9 o'clock, even if he was out with his friends partying, drinking, doing whatever. I felt so special. I felt like I was finally worth something to someone. I didn't have to spend my days feeling useless anymore. Andrew quickly became the best friend I had, and while I didn't *intend* for anything to happen emotionally, it did. I couldn't help it that I fell in love with him. He was amazing.

So now here I am after spending my life trudging down this long, broken path..I'm at a fork in the road. I'm at a stopping point. I have a husband, and a daughter that I love dearly. I am doing my best to fight for what I've got, and keep it. I'm doing all that I can to keep that spark lit. My past is what has brought me to the present, and the present is what will bring me to my future. I stopped my drinking, smoking, cutting, pill popping prescription loving life style a few years ago. To this day, I wonder where I'd be if I hadn't. If those three significant people hadn't swooped in and changed my life. Where would I be now?? Would I even be here? Alive? I doubt it.....

I wish I knew now what I THOUGHT I knew all those years ago. I wish I had known then what was really important in life. I've burned so many bridges along the way. Hell to be honest, I've thrown grenades at them, blown them up, and burned them down. My life was never perfect, nor was I. I can see now what I was, who I was. I was the person i was always criticizing, the person I always said I NEVER wanted to be. I hope that now...somehow, those things can stay tucked inside my heart as a reminder that I will never be that person again. As a reminder that these people literally changed the story of Sarah. I only wish that I could go back in time, and tell myself how stupid I was.

What we hate, We create.

So to every person whose stuck up for me, stood by my side, held my hair back while I threw up from crying so hard, wiped away my tears....to every person whose taken the knife from my hands, stopped the bleeding, hidden the bottles, threw down the smokes....to everyone who ever put up with me because they KNEW there was good inside me, they knew that I had a big heart that was just filled with a whole lot of lonely......thank you so much for shaping the person I am today. Thank you for never giving up on me in my time of need. You are all amazing people, every single friend whose reading this. Every friend whose been there for me through thick and thin, even if you only did something small like invite me over to your house to sit around and watch t.v.....all of it, every little bit, made a huge difference in my life. I just wanted you all to know that.

You're amazing.
and I love you.

So for this new years: A toast to friends, both new and old alike.
*cheers*
I am currently Tired
I am listening to XM Radio