That dance
12/21/2008 10:07 p.m.

I'm doing that dance. You know, the one a parent does after a chick has ventured out on their own. How much attachment is too much? How much will be functional? How much is too little, and in that way, not functional either? Your child is not a friend, a significant other, a co-worker, nor any other type of acquaintence. And yet, they are not your child in the way they once were, either.

And what if you LIKE your child, I mean, truly like who they are...even wanting to be friends with them, but understanding that it won't be a friendship in the sense of having a connection to someone your own age?

It's a letting go, without letting go too much. It's a connection that is like no other. You KNOW your child, you know SO many of the experiences they've had, even when they think you don't know. There IS that connection still, but...it's private to them now. You're not entitled to experience it the way you once were. And in the past, it wasn't just entitlement, it was a responsibility - that is no longer yours and yet you still feel it.

I guess I always knew that I couldn't prepare for this exactly. And now that I'm here, I miss them so much. I love them beyond words and emotion. I understand, now, where I stop and they begin. It isn't a fluid line like it once was. There is a gap now, some ravine they've crossed over and I don't understand how they made the leap without leaving a bridge behind.

It's still snowing.

I started Promethium last night (progesterone) to help with the excessive flow. I have a headache. I felt drunk not long after I took it, but I just went to sleep. I got a little crampy, but not bad. My breasts are not tender, but that is one of the common side effects. I don't feel any less stable than normal emotionally (another possible side effect) .... lol....but I don't suppose I would notice that very much since I've been sort of on an emotional roller coaster these last several months anyway.

Things with Miah are interesting. He is not embracing much in the way of addressing his issues, and that makes me think this relationship cannot last indefinitely. I have been feeling neglected, ignored even, at times, and I know myself well enough to know that I won't go on forever in this state. I mean, our relationship is so far down the list of things that require his energy....but when he isn't even addressing the things at the top of the list, I have little hope that he'll even get to "us", and then that leaves me with some decisions to make. I was hoping it would go a different way. I mean, at this point I'm still holding a space for "us", it's just shrinking. But, with not being able to get to counseling because the highway we have to take is closed due to severe weather, I can't very well make any decisions until we've gone some more to see if we can't salvage this.

I feel so disconnected from it all. I'm used to dealing with my emotions straight away, and getting on with things. His pace is very different, and so I end up backburnering my own emotions. And even when we are able to communicate about "us", we seem unable to truly go forward. Sure, plans are made, but they are seldom carried out. I have known for some time now that his way is to "ride it out", and his tendency is to take no action at all. I can't take the necessary actions alone, and, of course, I won't.

I really have given this relationship all I have in terms of attention and commitment and energy. I feel so worn out, more so than in any other relationship I've ever been in. I have probably been the most emotionally attached to the outcome of this relationship, definitely more than any other. The sad thing is, I feel the time coming when my available energy will be redirected, to people and experiences that offer more satisfaction....my schooling, taking care of my grandmother, being with my youngest children during their last year of high school, writing, hanging out with my grandson. And, while I've shared this with Miah, I understand that he cannot allow my feelings to be his sole motivation. And I've come to understand that he is the only one who can discover what moves him.

I am currently: reflective
Listening to: Firdik Karsson "Day Dreaming"