Quiet
12/07/2008 04:51 a.m.

Today I've been hanging out in the gentle, sad quiet of being alone, working on my 12 step homework, facing a little bit at a time of what I think is just a deeper exploration into the roots of my dysfunction. I can only take it in bits and pieces. I keep reminding myself to go slow, to be kind to myself. I'm not very good at it. My first grade teacher wrote on my report card, "Alison remains her own worst critic...." Even at 6, I beat myself up. Funny how it coincides with the instigation of my (legal but not biological) father sexually abusing me.

I spoke with one of the ladies in my group this morning. Last night was difficult. But it amazes me, how these women can just blast me with, "WHAT are you DOING in this relationship? WHY are you with this person???"

Well, first of all, I love him. And secondly, I've invested a good amount of time in us, in our future. It isn't a switch that I can just turn off. And I have always believed in the value of longevity, not for the sake of itself, but in tandem with everything I felt was good about the relationship beyond the final difficulty that prevents it from working unless we both get some pretty serious assistance.

But today, all I really need to come to grips with is the fact that the life I had known is over. Period.

Tomorrow night we go to counseling. Maybe the counselor will have an angle that can save us in the long run even though we can't be together just now. And maybe I'm just messing with my own head. But I'm praying that this counselor will be granted the wisdom to guide us in the most healthy direction(s).

Someday, I know I'll understand what happened in this period of my life, and maybe I'll understand the lesson. Until then, I just keep reminding myself that all is as it should be. I trust that what is happening is by divine design, even though it hurts.



I am currently Bleh
I am listening to music seeping from Steven's room to mine