I find that...
12/03/2008 12:34 p.m.

I can't touch the pain of this, this torrent of emotions raging past me. Too swift, too dangerous to feel.

He finally called at 2:30. I'd fallen into a sleep of sorts - fitful, anxious thumping in my chest. He'd been at Shari's drinking coffee (he NEVER drinks coffee) since before 9:30, which was when I first texted him. He said he'd left the phone in the car. He said he didn't know about how much we should stay in touch right now.

If we've broken up, it's none of my business what he's doing. Really. If he wants to live out of his car and sleep at a local campground and stay at Shari's for 5 hours working on some dice probability theory.....what business is it of mine? But if we're trying to remain a couple, just separated....what the hell does that mean? What level of attachment is appropriate?

I just thought to call him to see that he'd made it somewhere safe for the night, to make sure he was coping, to let him know that even though we are apart, I still care about how he's doing. But it obviously wasn't something that occured to him, so maybe I was just being foolish to have contacted him in the first place. I definitely feel ridiculous now.

But how do I just turn it off, all the minutiae of being with him every day. The things I would have said to him about my day, that now, no one will hear. The things he would have told me about his day. All the time we've spent telling each other our life stories. The investment of it. The trusting. The loving through faults and getting to the truth about it all. The relationship one to another, how I allowed myself to open up to having a witness to my every day, someone who might find the way I live my life worth keeping track of somehow.

I heard that once, that we get into relationships because it's about having a witness to our lives, about being afraid that, in the end, no one will know what happens inside, what goes on, that no one will care, and that ultimately, you may have lived a life not worth remembering.

It's too complicated, the way I've spent the last two years on this emotional roller coaster. I don't know if I can stay attached anymore, hang on through the twists and turns of this.

It's 3:33 am. I'm a wreck. I know it on some level, but I can't feel it anymore. I feel tired. I'm numb. Where are my guides, my guardian angels? Where is my spiritual sanity in all of this? Part of me thinks they must be around, I just can't feel them, sense them, see them, hear them. I tried to pray tonight, but all I connected to was the insistent buzz of too much happening.

I know I have some major work to do, and I soooooo much don't want to be on this road. I'm addicted to this relationship, and my supply is suddenly in jeopardy, as good as cut off. Of course I didn't want him to go. That way my supply would be protected. Addicts do that, protect their supply. And like a good addict/co-dependant, my drug of choice is apparently a person.

I don't want to "embrace my recovery" by attending the 12-step meetings I've started going to. I don't want to hear the platitudes, use the slogans to get through this "one day at a time". No shit, how ELSE does a person get through life? Not one week at a time, not one year at a time.....what a ridiculous slogan! I know what it's supposed to mean, I just don't want to hear it in response to how one minute, life was one way and now it isn't anymore. What I thought I had yesterday is no longer what I have today, and it SUCKS! That's all.

I don't want to get honest with women I don't know and don't want to get to know. I don't want to sit in that circle, with that group of sorry ass women and say, "Hi, I'm Alison...(and I'm a sorry ass just like you)"

I mean, come on, REALLY? Is THIS what I signed up for? In the scoff of the decade, can I just say......PPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?

Alright then. An hour later and maybe I've let enough of this out to get some sleep.

Thank you, El, and anyone else, for praying for me. Apparently I'm not too good at doing it for myself at the moment.



I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to this buzz