Dreams, anyone?
12/02/2008 06:35 p.m.


I dreamt that I was in a dance troupe, which is kind of funny thing because I’ve never danced and wouldn’t know anything about the process that follows. I was one of about four fat girls who performed along with a bunch of typically sized dancers in this troupe, and usually, we performed in Vegas in a regular show. I remember the feeling that I loved my job. It wasn’t too burlesque, even though our costumes were a little sexy. We had our own open stage out in the middle of some casino where we performed, and it was a family friendly show.

Not long after the dream started, I began to realize that we had made it to some regional or national competition. I found myself in a huge hotel that had a big stage and auditorium attached. When we got there, I was a bit disoriented, like I didn’t remember everything that had transpired before to lead up to this event. The pieces came together a little at a time. I went to the front desk to see if I was registered. I must be, right? I mean, I was there.

Everything was busy. There were people everywhere, making inquiries, using the stage for practice, waiting in the auditorium for their turn to practice, checking in, bustling about. None of my troupe was anywhere around at the time.

I, apparently, was the first to inquire at the front desk about our dance troupe for when I presented myself (first by my most recent married name, by the way, and then I corrected myself to “McKenzie”), by default I became the keeper of the keys for everyone in our dance troupe – a board of keys and names that it was now my job to disperse. The only problem was none of the other members of my dance troupe was around.

My name had two keys associated with it. The first key was to a room on the fourth floor, “419” I think, so I headed to the elevator to go find it. I couldn’t think where I could have possibly left my luggage, and I couldn’t remember the trip to get to the hotel, but I was hoping our luggage had simply been delivered to our rooms. The elevator arrived; I got in and pushed the “4”. But just as the elevator doors were closing, I noticed another key with my name that had just a “6” on it, and I figured that was to a dressing room on the main floor. So I stuck my hands in the doors of the elevator to stop them from closing and got off. Immediately in front of me, I noticed a bustle of performers going in and out of doors that sort of reminded me of the doors to gym dressing rooms, two doors for each number leading/exiting the same room. I found myself in front of “2” and kept going down the hall until I found “6”. Inside, there were other performers getting dressed in the costumes for their performance. I didn’t recognize any of them (not that any of the ones I might have “recognized” were from anywhere in my real life).

There were rows upon stacked rows of BIG drawers with clear fronts so you could kind of see what was in them. Apparently inside the drawers were costumes with all the accessories. Somehow, I knew that we were going to be doing a dance number from “Guys and Dolls”. Right in front of me were the drawers with that label. But when I looked inside them, they were empty except for the earring drawer. I realized that even though I seemed to be the first of our troupe there, I was late and all the costumes were gone. And I suddenly realized that, since I was not the average size dancer, they probably wouldn’t have any costumes that would have fit me anyway. And THEN I realized that I couldn’t recall having practiced the dance steps – that I wouldn’t have been prepared had I made it to the stage in a costume anyway.

From there on, I wandered around the hotel, and eventually outside. I found the group of other “fat” girls from my troupe, and they were discussing the same dilemma of not having costumes, but they did not seem upset. They were simply going to wait for the performance to finish. I sat down at a table close by, and noticed a quadriplegic man I had once known in real life from the Veteran’s Home. His name is Irwin, and he was there to visit his mother, who was also in a wheel chair. I made polite greetings, and told the woman who was his mother how fondly Irwin had always spoken of her, how much we could all tell he loved her by the way he spoke of her. She was a darling woman, with a sweet disposition, and dark blonde, curly hair and freckles.

From there, I found some of the rest of my dance troupe in some sort of dining hall. I got my plate from a buffet line, and took it over to a table where one of the male dancers was sitting. He was a slightly smaller than average man, and I realized he was someone I was close to. As soon as I sat down, he leaned over and pressed against me with his shoulder in greeting. He was eyeing my bread, and as I got ready to take a bite, I offered him some. He pressed his forehead against mine and nodded, an intimate moment that I was not entirely comfortable sharing in public. I thought how the other dancers would find it inappropriate for us to be displaying our private relationship in public. Infact, I was so uncomfortable that…..

From there, the dream faded to Miah and I on the grass in a park. There were lots of folks at the park that day. Miah and I were lying on a blanket, staring up into the sky and marveling at the clouds. All of a sudden, there was a kitten climbing up onto my chest, but it was a BIG kitten. As I checked it out, I realized the kitten was a tiger kitten, and I became alarmed that the mama cat was somewhere nearby. I sat up and looked up the nearby hillside. Sure enough, the mama and the daddy cat were coming down, along with the rest of the litter of kittens. Also, there were other animal families just coming out of the nearby forest as well – some bear cubs, a baby moose, a couple of baby raccoons, and their parents. We decided, with all the people there, it was just best to act non-chalant about the whole thing, hoping the animals wouldn’t sense any alarm and would just pass us by. But we knew that I had the scent of the baby tiger on my clothes, and it might not work.

My alarm went off, and I woke up.

As soon as I woke up, I realized that I don't know if what I want to go to school for is really what I want to do. Without the future that Miah and I were planning, do I want to be involved in the business side of things? Do I have any business ideas of my own? What am I going to do with my life now that Miah may not be a part of the future I was planning? I would still love to travel, but the idea of doing it the way I was planning, but now alone, does not seem like a good idea.

I have this grief now. Before, with Miah, for the first time ever in a relationship, I could see our future together. I loved the plans we'd made. I could see it clearly. The goals we set to get there were within reasonable reach. I felt passion for where I was headed, for where we were headed together. Now it's all a big question mark.

I worked so hard through so many concerns and fears to get to that point. I allowed myself to rest, finally, in trust. I allowed myself to feel the comfort of a future I could truly imagine. Only to be here, now, the rug pulled out from under my feet and not much hope that I'll find solid footing again with Miah.

Meanwhile, as we go forward with the separation, he's barely able to contain his excitement and seems to have found a new energy. He's never had his own place, never been able to "set up shop" his own way, all his own ideas and his very own space. Despite the sadness of the separation, I know this is actually going to be good for him. Every person needs to live on their own at least once. I want to be happy for him, for his new-found enthusiasm, but inside I feel hurt and left behind. I seem to be the only one struggling. I'll manage to keep this to myself where he is concerned, but I'm going to have to find some way to express what I'm feeling so it doesn't get lost in the shuffle, someone to talk to about how I'm feeling so I can process it appropriately. *sigh*