emotional ridiculosityness
11/04/2008 01:49 a.m.
What is it about emotions that causes such severe and uncharacteristic mood swings, lapses in judgement, and colluded vision? Not only have I experienced this helplessness myself, but I have seen friends and family in utter shambles because of strong emotions as well. I've seen people turn to drugs and/or alcohol to escape the terrors in their own minds and hearts. People drop out of school, lose their jobs, lose their homes, move halfway across the world, blow massive amounts of money, turn to crime, become violent, all in hopes to alleviate the captive and destructive effects of emotions on the mind. I personally turned to drugs, lost sight of my educational goals (without dropping out), moved halfway across the country, blew large amounts of money, and had sex with many people I normally wouldn't...all in an attempt to recreate myself, or fill a void that he left, or to distract my mind for as much time as possible so as not to dwell on the pain in my heart and the void in my bed and the loss of my best friend and lover. I ran from life for two years because I could not grasp control, I could not exercise will, set meaningful goals, or follow through on anything. I ran until running exhausted me, until I became numb. I ran until numbness washed over me and every boy I slept with didn't remind me of him, in appearance, behavior, or lack of similarity. I ran until my ability to function in life could rely solely on routine, a robot in flesh, a heart too occupied with picking itself up to expend energy on my loved ones. I ran myself into a hole, a crevice in which there is no left, right, up, or down. There was only the space I occupied, the body that contained my mind and heart. People were always around me, but only the hairs on my skin knew...my lips moved, my eyes connected with theirs, I functioned though my mind and heart were elsewhere. I hurt people without ever having the presence to understand that I was even hurting them. I was toxic.

What am I now?
I am currently Detached
I am listening to Misery Business