these days are falling apart.
10/07/2008 02:22 a.m.
walter lost his job - again. i feel betrayed by brianna and justin. i never see kristen, and seeing her this weekend just reminded me of that fact. not to mention she's all MFA and ready to teach. filling notebooks up with thesis ideas and novels floating in her head. i don't know if i envy what she's doing or just feel sorry for myself because i'm not happy with what i'm doing.

i need to go to bed because my thoughts are rapidly spiraling downward.

what is the point of all of this? these past six years here in tampa? my friendships have all but fallen apart. the only people i truly care about are struggling just as much as i am. i feel like i've been forced to become a hermit because all of this strange webbing of relationships is crossing and doubling back and i'm just getting stuck in it. i don't know who to trust anymore, and it's very discouraging.

i've got a college diploma that i can't even afford to have framed. i have no drive to continue school or try to write and publish something. i have no healthy interpersonal relationships. how can i just wipe it clean and start all over? all of the people i know are just crumbling into nothingness.

i can't believe my uncle is dead. lately, i want to be too. i just want it to stop. i'm so confused. i know 'this too shall pass,' and i'm trying really hard to allow it to pass and keep trying and trying. but i have my limits, you know? i don't know what to do with myself. am i just going to continue struggling for the rest of my life? what kind of life is that? why would i even want to do that?

i'm so tired of getting caught up with people who hurt me. i see something amazing in someone and then i'm shocked to find that they, too, are perfectly flawed and have no problem stabbing me in the back. we're all just human beings, and if no one is perfect, then there's absolutely no way to have a real friendship or trust or commitment. it's all just an illusion. everyone has the capability to break someone's heart. and they always do at some point. it always happens. why should i even bother making friends? how can i continue to trust people? how can i even trust my judgment anymore?

and what is a life with no trust or friends or honesty or loyalty? if it's all an illusion, why are any of us even continuing to breathe?
I am currently Alienated