a cat in the back of the throat.
09/12/2008 01:45 p.m.
i think i'm getting sick. i know when i'm getting sick of something, but when my body gets sick, i can only think about it.

i keep wanting to change the lyrics on my profile, because my mood keeps changing.

i ate a lot of birthday cake ice cream this week. it was good, and of course, i feel guilty.

last night i got that feeling that if something is wrong, in any instance, it will only wind up into the same place. i can go through all of the factors and come to the same conclusion. the only way for any problem to truly be rectified is by death. that's the only ultimate solution to problems with no possiblity of re-visiting.

when i think like that, i give in by only a fraction. i sleep under the weight of nyquil or benadryl, and when i wake up, it has taken its place back under the laundry, hiding for the next chink in my armor. but i don't feel as ashamed of this type of emotional disturbance as long as it isn't about justin. and it wasn't.

i think my tattoos are my real armor. they keep people away when i don't want to be bothered. like religious zealots handing out pamphlets in front of the super walmart.

this morning when i walked downstairs in the office parking garage, i opened the door, and it was pulled from my hands. the cleaning lady was going in as i was exiting, and it scared me. the face she made was jarring, even though she was as surprised as i. i was still in the benadryl daze, with sleep lines still on the side of my cheek, and i didn't know what to make of the situation. i tucked my tail and walked away.

i despise when people make plans that involve me waiting and then don't act immediately as was suggested. i wait and wait and rarely get a fair excuse when and if the plans are actually carried out. it's not the waiting i hate, but the lack of follow-through with people. it matters to me.

upon my request, a co-worker gave me an empty travel-size bottle of ketchup, so i washed it out and now look at it every day. i'm not sure what to do with it.

when i don't feel especially close to anyone, i go on myspace and change my top friends to icons or inanimate objects. that's why i even bother to keep them in my friends list. jesus, marilyn, benjamin 'bugsy' siegel, charlie 'lucky' luciano. those dead pack rats.

my mom sent me a new box with pictures of tea leaves and cups on the top panel. a bottle of 'ocean' body oil broke inside during shipping, so when i open it, the smell pours out, and it reminds me of san diego and my uncle and being younger. all things that won't come back.

the rubber on my headphones is coming off, so when i got home from work yesterday, i went out to have a smoke. when i scratched the inside of my ear, a big piece of the rubber came out. i didn't know what it was at first, and i was startled. i was embarrassed that it had been in my ear since i was at work - it's white.

if you liked 'hedwig and the angry inch,' you should see 'shortbus.' it was my last netflix, and i thought it was intriguing.
I am currently Quiet
I am listening to 'cathedrals' - jump little children