Laid Bare
07/24/2008 06:24 a.m.

I realize that I've laid myself bare here. But it is here I feel most comfortable journaling, and so I may continue if it doesn't cost too much to "air" it out in this way. For some reason, it's extremely helpful. Plus, I've discovered some very sweet friendships along the way, for which I'm very grateful as I don't have any friends here in The Dalles...well, my aunt is a dear friend, and I don't mean to discount my relationship with her at all, but it would be nice to have some girlfriends to hang with, get to know.

I watched the movie "Mama Mia" this last week, and it was actually a lovely movie - a chick-flick if there ever was one. I laughed and cried, and didn't even mind the fact that it was a musical (typically, musicals just annoy me to death). But the one ache from it was watching the mother and her two friends, and even the daughter with her friends, and realizing that, for whatever reason, I do not have any relationships like that; i.e., friends who will show up at my daughters' weddings, who've invested years in getting to know me and all of us sticking together. Maybe it's just fairy tales, but, nah....I don't think so, not so much. I hear about it in others' lives all the time. Anyway, I am glad for the connections I've created here.

Anyway, I digress. What I wanted to say was....these entries are really just snipets of my life. Yes, some of those little snap-shots can represent life-altering moments. And maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's just in my life, but it seems to me that life is full of these "potentially" significant moments, seemingly "big deals", as it were, in the moment. But then they pass, the people get over it, and life resumes much like before, with hopefully the alterations needed to go forward in a more educated and enlightened fashion. Like I said, maybe it's just my life that contains the high drama of a few moments every now and then that, in the end, turn out to be smaller potatoes than anticipated. Maybe they're caused by a surge of hormones, or the full moon....real issues even. I'm not sure.

I guess once it's down in "black and white", it's a permanent mark in the "history of me", but I want my telling of at least this portion of my life, right now, to be authentic. And then, maybe, looking back, I won't be able to minimize or gloss over certain memories. I won't be able to pick and choose my history, because I lived it and wrote it and there it will be for examination in the future, fresh and revealing for whatever it will be worth later on.

And maybe I will be able to identify patterns and tendancies that will help me face myself honestly. It's not easy to do under the scrutiny of a semi-public journal, but I feel at least somewhat brave, writing it here so that if any of the telling of it is useful to anyone else, well, it's available.

The other thing I think I may have noted about life is that there seem to be phases. During some phases, peace of mind and during other phases I don't seem to be able to find that sense of peace no matter how hard I try to figure it out. Does anyone else seem to find this to be the case, that some "phases" are breezy while others are more challenging?

Anyway, I just wanted to say that.

As for Miah and I, we both endured miserable mornings and decided it's just too difficult to stay upset with one another. I still don't know where "we're" headed, but for the moment we've declared a truce while we sort through things. It's a relief for the time being.


I am currently Odd
I am listening to traffic