It looks as if
07/23/2008 08:36 p.m.

Well, it looks as if this thing with Miah is on the shakiest ground ever. Big fight last night after a week and a half of nearly no communication at all. He hid himself in video games and other escapes while I bit my tongue until I nearly bit it off.

Any expressions from my side are mostly angry now, not alot of kindness or empathy in his direction. We're both frustrated. And finally, when communication did happen last night, it was misdirected and bitter, and he said, "until tonight, I really thought I wanted this to work out..." Always before, no matter how difficult things got, he never waivered from his intention to work things out.

I don't know what I want. I don't feel much of anything but anger lately, and I know that's not good. He, especially, doesn't hold up under it. Neither do I, but I'm not very good at stuffing it down until another emotion makes it through the mess.

I think I know how it got to this, and I think I tried my best to keep it from getting this difficult, but I wasn't too successful.

I've lost my sense of desire - of wanting to be desired and desiring someone. Before he got here, I thought, "well, we can try this, and we should know soon enough if it isn't working. And if it isn't working, I won't let it go on so long that I'll feel as if I've lost too much time...." and somewhere back then, I imagined that, worse case scenario, I'd brush myself off and keep going. It doesn't look so sunny now. I feel like I invested everything I had left (which wasn't much, I'm afraid) and now I feel totally empty. Never before have I felt so hopeless or hurt at the possibility of a relationship's end.

We once talked about making it until Sept. of 2009. Now we're talking about trying to make it until September of THIS year, when we have a week's vacation planned, part of it at the beach and part of it being at a place called Breitenbush, where there is an intentioned community that puts on spiritual awareness/interpersonal workshops etc. Just being up in the mountains and having access to the hot springs might at least give us the time and space away from the thick of stress at home to be able to work through some of this without destroying each other in the process. But after last night, I really don't know if we'll make it until then.

I really wish I could see a way to work through this, and I'm working through what I can of my own challenges in life. I've begun seeing a woman named Susan, who is the head of the spiritual care dept at the local hospital, and she's been kind enough to waive any fees for the counseling. I'm walking three times a week with my aunt. I'm having some success staying away from excess sugar, and eating smaller portions. I'm making myself get some things done, even when I don't feel very inspired to do them. I'm journaling. I'm praying. And I think that's about the best I can do from my end. Beyond that, I think the rest is up to Miah.

When things are bad between us like this, the grief of moving away from this relationship consumes me. From previous life experience, I know it wouldn't stay like this forever, but for the moment....there is nothing else on my mind.

I am currently: Disappointed