otis
07/23/2008 05:25 a.m.
you know i wonder if the love i read in poems posted here will some day come to fruition in my own life. i wonder if anyone will ever feel that way, as if exploring me would be the greatest adventure in life. (i know i read that today, and i am sorry i cannot remember who wrote it to give you credit.)

i wonder if i will ever be that interesting, if i will ever be to a person what i read here today.

i listen to otis redding, sittin' on the dock of the bay, and feel a strange connection to the song. not that i have ever been to the dock or had that same thought. but i suppose i have. wondering if what you left behind was worth the emptiness you now feel. i don't always feel empty. the night time seems to be the hardest to deal with. the hardest time of day to feel rational about life. most of the time i am ok...until i am home. home; the place where one should feel welcome and at ease, is where i find my mind restless with the desires for another place. maybe its because by this time i have had a few beers and i sit alone at my dining room table, unable to ignore the silence that fills this place. unable to the people and places out of my mind that make me unhappy. it is in the outside world where i feel strongest. where i feel people notice and bend to me. maybe its cause i am just mean or cold, as i have been told. but i'm not cold or callous. i am caring and eternally devoted to those i love. even in the moments at home where i cry. it is at home where i feel the desperation that is quiet all day. the sadness that i keep at bay with my wit and sarcasm. i cannot hush my mind, nor chastise my thoughts, for its me. me that thinks those thoughts, entertains those dreams of a life that will be different.