Inside Out
07/03/2008 05:52 p.m.


This is my inner dialouge of late. It's an old mantra I thought was long gone.

"You're useless. Useless. You're so useless, no one wants you."

"No one wants me. No one wants me."

A whole string of self-depricating mantras usually follow, but it generally starts with this one.

It seems to be of little consequence that, intellectually, I KNOW this isn't true. Infact, my intellect usually follows up with a tough-love self-speech. It doesn't affect the heart of it, though, the mantra repeating, at least not for long. I can stop it for awhile. But after 45 years, it seems hopeless that this inner dialouge will ever stop. I've gone to counseling and more counseling and then some more. I've repeated other, more positive mantras to myself over and over. I've prayed and prayed and prayed. I've experienced "healing". I've had a "letting go" ceremony where I wrote it and burned it up.

All it takes is for me to feel that a key person in my circle is rejecting me. Just my perceiving it, and it's an inside job. It isn't even anyone's fault anymore.

And the etiology doesn't matter any more, either. I know it came from core-forming experiences. But understanding why it is happening apparently isn't enough to make it sop happening either.

Miah doesn't ask me to marry him, even though even he states that's where he ultimately wants our relationship to go and he thinks he should. It = "no one wants you." That's what my psyche hears, even though, of course, it isn't true at all.

Miah doesn't bring me flowers, leave me notes, get me cards = "see? No one wants you...."

Miah doesn't nurture me, do nice things for me, leave me public declarations of his love for me anywhere, and the lack reinforces it all.

Miah considers going away to work through some of his own issues. It = "see? No one wants you. If you were wanted, he wouldn't go away."

I've come all this way, worked through so much, just to experience this again. I know it's happening for a reason, to show me my insides again, to show me I'm not whole yet inside myself. And so, I've been sent some more experiences so I can deal with it. Poor Miah.

I remember so clearly that line from "The Secret Garden." The little girl was being asked why she broke through the closed doors of the garden. She said, "Because it wasn't wanted." Just like her. Just like me. It went straight to my heart.

I know this is a public journal, and these processes are intimate. But journaling about it does help me make some progress that keeping it just inside my head misses, more often than not. And if I my writing about it helps anyone else, at least to let them know that they are not alone, then my sharing it is not useless.

Mama's, don't let your babies grow up to feel useless...



I am currently: understanding
Listening to: my insides evolve