More letting go...
07/01/2008 06:55 p.m.

I had written a big long entry about this, about how Miah and I developed the current idea about him taking off for awhile to be on his own. But somehow, I hit some button that sent me to a blank journal entry page, and I lost it all. Grrrr.

Basically, we were discussing the progression of our relationship, and how difficult it's been for both of us lately.

For him, the difficulties have to do with feeling the pressure to "do what's right" by asking me to marry him but feeling paralyzed, the pressures of walking into a life (mine) that is already being lived on everyone else's terms, and how he feels himself lost in the midst of it. And, how he has discovered that since he's spending so much energy on the relationships at hand (with me, and the kids, and work), that he's not been able to adequately work through his past issues, which creates this unproductive, unhealthy place in him where what he ends up investing his energy instead into escape (through anything that will distract him), which ends up creating even greater dysfunction for us.

Also, he has great fears about marriage, and the possibility of failure, and fears about feeling unprepared for the challenges that must be faced with any relationship, but especially in a relationship with the built-in challenges of ours with our age differences, and me not being able to bear children anymore, and the future challenges of me growing old before him. His response to that fear is paralyzation. And as much as it causes me to suffer, I can't blame him.

For me, the difficulties have to do with my self esteem, and the effect I am allowing his lack of committment to have on it. I feel unwanted, undesired, ugly even. I feel I'm a burden to him. It's been obvious to me, from the beginning, that he really isn't ready to be married, but instead of just being able to say that, he's felt obligated to "make good" on everything he'd said before he got here, how he'd stated that he wanted to settle down and thought I was the girl he'd want to do that with. It's not like he intended to live a lie. I know that. But it hasn't been good for me to be with someone who isn't sure about being with me but stays anyway, and getting our communication to the point where we could discuss the truth has been very difficult.

I, too, have great fears about another marriage, and the possibility of one more failure. I have fears about his desires, and how they often don't include me, and where that might lead him during those natural "lull" times in any relationship. But MY response to those fears are to run headlong into them, as if confronting them in the most dramatic way possible might somehow conquer them. I'm glad, now, that we didn't allow my tendancies to dishonor his own process.

At one point during our very loooooong conversation last night, he spoke with some zeal about the short period between the breakup of his last relationship and coming to Oregon. I caught sight of a definite spark when he talked about how he loved it, not having to answer to anyone but himself and being able to live according to his own schedule and desires, about how he had started to feel the healing process begin and how he had started to deal with some of his dysfunctions. I couldn't help but notice how a tone of disappointment crept in when he recalled cutting that process short to come to Oregon to explore a relationship with me.

So, I said, "Well, what would you think about taking the opportunity to be on your own again for awhile?" I'd no sooner got the question all the way out when he visibly lit up. The first thing he wanted to clarify was whether or not that would mean we'd break up, as he did not want that under any circumstances. But as soon as he established that we didn't necessarily have to break up for him to be able to take some time to himself, he grabbed a hold of that idea and ran with it, talking excitedly about where he might go and what he might do. He finally settled on an idea to go to Hawaii, where one of his best friends is currently living. His idea is that, without the pressures of trying to build a life with me despite the difficulties we've been facing (but still having the security of our relationship as an anchor), on his own he could continue the healing process he'd begun before he came to Oregon, and he could work on being more whole, with the idea that his wholeness would facilitate a different beginning to our journey together when he gets back.

I don't know much, but after having lived 45 years, I do know that there are certain times in a person's life where certain experiences can be had, and those opportunities can be missed if they aren't taken. I know that if Miah stays here, under the heaviness of the responsibility of my life, and eventually asks me to marry him anyway, he will not be able to go back to have the experience of not having anyone to worry about but himself. And since he doesn't seem ready to take on this life with me anyway, I do think that he could accomplish much more in the way of healing and self discovery on his own if he doesn't have to focus on fitting himself into a life that is already in full swing, sort of coming into the show after so much of it has already been played out. As he puts it, "I'm a fish out of water here."

Of course the idea of letting him go, to have to face things totally on my own again, terrifies me. While our life together has had its difficulties, I have come to depend on him in so many ways, the solice of resting in his arms every night, of having my best friend here to comfort me when I am faltering. And, of course, my deepest fear is that (even though we won't "break up" for him to go) I suspect he won't come back to me at all, that he'll find a better life out there without me. Well, and how can I feel entirely bad about that? It's exactly what I've wished for him all along since life with me guarantees certain losses from his side, that he won't have children of his own, will never be with a woman his age whose energy matches his, whose beauty won't fade as quickly as mine is. And even though I unselfishly want for him a better life than I can give him, I am still selfish enough that, on some level, I want him for myself.

Right now, it's still in the planning stage. Miah will contact his friend in Hawaii tonight and see if going to hang out with him is really a possibility. And our idea at this point is that he wouldn't be gone for an indefinite amount of time, but maybe for a month or so. He would have to quit his job here, but that's something that he's wanted to happen anyway since part of his current job involves selling meat, which is totally against his spiritual beliefs.

I guess I'm glad we're talking about it now rather than later, even though it's going to be really hard to manage without him. After all, we've been living together now for a year and a half. I am stealing myself up, shoring up my emotions so he doesn't feel obligated to stay just because he sees me hurting. I think it will be hard for me to do this without a clean break, but it's not like I have any desire to be "available" for any other relationship, so it won't really be a sacrafice to remain alone but devoted to our relationship.

I know that if I had my preference, I would welcome a future with Miah. But only if he KNOWS that he KNOWS that a future with me is what he wants above all other possibilities. Even when you think you know that, the future can, at best, be fragile, but you have to start with some sort of a firm foundation.

Hopefully his time away will help him figure out where he wants his future to unfold.

In the meantime, please be patient if I fall apart a couple of times. I will survive this. I know I'm strong enough to get through it.


I am currently Questioning
I am listening to the summer rain