Update
06/26/2008 06:17 p.m.

It took me all morning, but I finally tracked down someone who knew what happened to Paul. It was a co-worker of his named Louise, a bartender at the restaurant/lounge where Paul worked the last years of his life.

Apparently, while traveling to Salem one thick foggy day with a close friend (the friend was driving), they apparently attempted to pass a slow moving vehicle. But there was insufficient visability, and Paul's friend hit another car head on. Paul was killed instantly. But the weird part is that it happened exactly in front of the place where Paul and I lived when PJ died of SIDS.

Louise told me that he was well loved at the restaurant. She told me he talked about Joey all the time, and was sad they didn't have a relationship. She also told me that he never did marry anyone else, just like he told me he wouldn't, and that he rarely even dated. She said he just didn't seem that interested, but that, mostly, he was happy those last few years of his life.

I called Joey and told him this morning what I knew. He said, really, he didn't know him, and that he was sorry but that he didn't really feel too affected. I suspect as time passes, and especially after his son is born in October, he will feel the permanence of the loss of the opportunity to get to know his dad; to ask him about his life. He did ask if I had asked if Paul ever talked about him. I was able to tell him what Louise had told me, that he talked about him all the time.

I am just numb. I feel terrible that I didn't know sooner. I feel sad to think that Paul didn't ever love again, that I was his one chance, blown. I'm sorry he never had other children. I'm glad he had close friends in the end though. I'm terribly sad that Joey and Paul never sought one another out, that now, closure will be very difficult for Joey. I have to say, I'm glad Paul didn't suffer in his passing.

Beyond that I think it will take some time for me to grieve through this, to understand how I really feel. I feel an unjustified loss, but I feel it none the less.

Poor Miah, having to sit by while I get the news of two deaths in one day of people who were once dear to me. I think he feels a little helpless, but there isn't really anything he can do except to let me feel my feelings.

I think I may drive to Silverton sometime soon so I can pay my respects and say goodbye. Paul is buried at the same cemetery where PJ is buried. Not that I believe Paul is there, nor PJ. They aren't. We are, none of us, our bodies. But I haven't visited that cemetery for years, and perhaps it would help, somehow, to say a more proper goodbye. I told Joey that if he was interested in going, I would be glad to take the trip with him. He said "thanks, but I don't really think I'd be interested in doing that, since I didn't know him and all." I told him the offer would always be open.



I am currently: experiencing an overdue sadness
Listening to: my heart continue to beat