Choosing kindness
06/20/2008 02:02 p.m.

This relationship I'm in is not easy. The reasons are many, and some too personal to write about. I know every relationship has its difficulties, so I'm not facing anything unique in that respect.

He is, by far, the nicest person I've ever ventured into a relationship with. He is more willing to discuss working on things than anyone I've ever met. Even when there is defensiveness, it is eventually dropped so that an objective discussion results. Plus, we have so many intests in common! My kids love him as well as other family members who, in the past, have expressed great concern over my choices. The fact that everyone likes him is pretty amazing.

But from the beginning, I've been plagued by this sense that things will not work out. I'm not sure he will continue to want to be with me as I age, and as I become more attached to him, I know that his leaving would break my heart. I don't know. This just isn't a typical relationship. Maybe that's because my idea of a typical relationship is flawed somehow. But there are no little token expressions of his feelings for me, no cards, no letters, no love notes, no poems....no flowers, no little intimate whisperings about how he couldn't imagine his life without me. Maybe it's just me, but it seems to me that when a man is in love, there are at least one or two of these little markers along the way.

We do talk about the future in terms of the things we can see ourselves doing together. But when it comes to a permanent committment of any kind, what he says is that he knows he "ought to be" asking me to marry him. But for whatever reason, it doesn't happen. It would be different if he'd never said anything about getting married. But since its been brought up, I can't help but think that the absence of his asking is a sure sign he really can't see going there with me. And that makes it nearly impossible for me to dig in and really allow myself to feel a peace about this relationship. It's like I'm just waiting for him to find "the reason" he can't stay here.

And in that waiting, I find myself ultra sensitive to any negativity on his part, becoming angry if he says anything with a negative charge.

*sigh*

It's not how I want to be. Even if every bit of my anger was justified somehow, even if this relationship is destined to fail, I don't want him to remember our time together being peppered with negativity on my part.


I am currently Depressed
I am listening to morning crickets