Complicated
06/01/2008 09:49 p.m.

Geeeeeze, but relationships are complicated. I mean, I've had my share of experience, but never in one where there wasn't a dead end expressly written into the itinerary. I've never loved someone this way, so challenging, so much work, but so lovely at the same time.

I have to admit, I always imagined that the "best" relationship would feel easy, as if I could breeze along in peace, blissfully unaware that there still might be negativity in the world. Now I'm not so sure. This relationship is stretching my understanding in places I would never have even traveled without it. It is frustrating at times, but then the resolution is so satisfying that I'm glad I struggled through it. I'm gaining insight into my own self. I appreciate his openness and his tolerance and his steadfastness. I appreciate the uncanny wisdom he shines onto my perspective. I appreciate his point of view, even (especially) when it is vastly different from mine.

I keep asking myself, is this the same as the ridiculous relationships I've faced in the past, situations that were untenable no matter how I sliced them, no matter how fiercely I hung onto the love that got me there to begin with? Every time I wonder if it might be (those old wounds close so slowly), I am suprised when the progression of events takes me to a different destination than any past relationship did. Instead of trying to navigate through unresolved anger with the thick tension of verbal/physical violence hanging in the air, we work through things, reasonably, two adults who are committed to seeing tomorrow together. Instead of being too afraid to unleash any lurking beasts in our discomfort, we bravely forge ahead, carefully turning over stones together and really looking at what's beneath them, facing our demons together with a resolve to vanquish what needs to be vanquished and rescue what needs to be rescued. It's amazing how much can be accomplished when love and acceptance are applied to past wounds; when we provide safe places for each other to express old fears and insecurities without judgment or abandonment. It doesn't always start out quite that ideal, but so far we've managed every time to bring it back to that place, forgiving ourselves and one another for filtering our difficulties through past hurts and rejections.

God, it isn't easy. And sometimes, as reflected by my writing, I am overcome by the sense of failure my other relationships have ended in. I let my fears get the best of me, and I'm a chicken little, just KNOWING the sky is falling.

Well. It isn't.

I am currently Amazed
I am listening to the tick tock of time passing