These late nights...
05/25/2008 10:45 a.m.

It's 3:30 am, and here I am again, sitting at my computer and gobbling up the bits of poetry and journal entries of others, just to get me out of myself.

My attitude drives me nuts sometimes. I was remembering, today, how a few years back I felt almost a constant peace inside, even when things outside were not so peaceful - John gambling and lying to me about it, the kids' dad mucking up my relationships with them on a nearly constant basis, etc, etc - I marveled at how I felt on the inside despite those outside upsets.

And now the peace eludes me. Jeremiah says it's in my stars, that peace inside fluctuates like the tides in life. I always thought that once I'd experienced peace a good long time, it would stick with me. But that's not the way it's worked out.

And so recently there is this discontent, frustration, irritation, lack of tolerance, crabbiness, and Miah asks me about it, and I have these things outside myself that I point to (ridiculously), as if, somehow, those "things" were better, I would feel better. I know it isn't so. I KNOW it doesn't happen that way. I know that peace is an inside job, just as much as discontent is.

Trouble is, I have no idea how to get it back, this peace. And I'm so tired lately - except for sometimes, late at night, like now, when I have the world all to myself and my wind chimes singing to me and the cool, night breeze blowing across my skin in waves of sweet relief.

In a minute, I'll go crawl back into bed next to my sweet guy, lay my head in the crook of his arm, stretch my arm across his chest and hold his hand, and feel like a little girl all protected and safe, and let his breathing lullaby me into dreaming. Maybe I'll dream of flying again. I LOVE those dreams.



I am currently Bothered
I am listening to the wind blowing into my bedroom