complexities, atrocities, and lovecities.
05/11/2008 05:29 p.m.
I'm hurting so much lately. That is, when life slows down and I have time to actually feel it. I thought I was completely okay, but the more and more I think about it, I realize that I'm not sure if I'm ready for much of anything right now in terms of a relationship. It's almost as if the days I feel okay with it, like I could really wholeheartedly give myself to this new person, that I'm just convincing myself I'm ready. That I've moved on and am capable of loving without any hesitations, without anything holding me back. At the same time, I can't allow myself to let this wonderful person slip through my fingers. I can't watch him walk away in good conscience and tell myself that it's for the best.He makes me feel like I'm the only girl in the room. When he looks at me, everything else falls away. He doesn't mind the reprocussions of expressing affection in public. He could care less who is watching our peck on the lips at Whole Foods or our handholding at Walgreens. He makes me feel lovely and beautiful and all the things a girl should feel. And yet my heart is torn. How does that happen? How does that fucking happen! I'm just trying to suck it up and drag my heart through the muck. I really could see a wonderful future with this new person, and I just need to face the realities of the impossibilities of the last love I can't seem to get over. The crash and burn that I'm still recovering from. It seems that it hurts a bit more when it's nobody's fault. When there's no one to blame and so much is still unresolved. This love swimming in the thick, humid air above me. I know I'll never be 100% over the last, and that's to be expected. Considering all the complications and the strong friendship we still have. I just feel as though my heart is in such a vulnerable place right now. It's a tug of war that nobodys winning. I'm the knot in the middle of the rope and I'm getting dizzy.