i am not afraid
04/30/2008 04:05 a.m.
so, as i sit, once again alone and drinking my first beer of the evening; my thoughts continue to return to you. as they have been doing so since i left. every time i see you, it gets harder to leave. i have a feeling it will only continue to do so. maybe it won't, but i highly doubt that.

i left on sunday, only to have a strong desire to turn back around when you called. you called to just to say i forgot a thing or two; neither of which was important to me. i just wanted to see you a little while longer. one last time before who knows when. my thoughts are constantly returning to when i will see you again, when i can sneak away or how things will work.

for the first time since i can remember, i am not afraid of you. i am not afraid of you knowing everything about me. i am not afraid of letting myself go and being the dork i am. i don't care about what may or may not happen. i hope, but whatever the results, i am not afraid. of course i want you to want me. to want me around, available, open to you. but i am not afraid of you.

i can't wait for you to call, which is probably why i don't. although i am not afraid, i am scared of driving you away too soon. sooner then i would like just because of my irrationality or need. since i met you again, in our new lives, that has been the only thing to scare me. the thought of being too much or not enough. more too much. i don't think i could go a day without being enough. having enough, offering enough to you.

there is not one thing that i wouldn't say or do to make you stay. if you were serious about me coming there, i would drop my life to do that. i just want to be a part of yours. a big part, but a part none the less. i think we both know that i am an independent person, that i do not bend to easily to the whim of others, but i don't feel the need to fight what we have or what we may have.

i have always been one to push away the things that are offered to me. being too self centered and selfish to take what someone may give. but you, you are different. all of my feelings and all of my thoughts, i embrace. if you told me tomorrow, or tonight, that you loved me and couldn't live without me, i would actually believe you do. i would actually take that and run with it. i would let you be everything to me.

i don't believe i have ever been this way towards anyone, not even him...
I am currently Awestruck