Up too late
04/12/2008 09:31 a.m.

I'm up too late. 2:11 am. I'm a night owl at heart, sleeping disorder and all!

I don't know what's come over me lately. A sort of disconnected lazy that is only counter-balanced by my insatiable desire to have a clean house. But with three teenagers, an undisciplined partner, and an 88 year old grandmother, sometimes I just can't keep up with it all. My choices are these: to obsessively clean, clean, clean up after everyone; insist/nag/whine until folks pick up after themselves; or simply let it go, only to have it all pile up in an even more overwhelming mess than if I'd just kept on doing it. And God forbid I should take a break from it. Anyway, excuses.

And I really don't mean to ramble on about the mundane things that make up most of my life these days. In many ways, I'm absolutely grateful for the opportunity to be able to be home and care for my grandmother, and subsequently, my family. I actually SEE them and spend time with them. Working outside the home doesn't allow for enough of that, so I AM grateful.

And I'm also entirely grateful for Miah still being here. He is kind and wonderful and generous with his love and energy and earnings...I'm certain this whole arrangement would be so much less tolerable if he weren't here. Oh sure, I write poetry about the difficult times so that it can make it seem like that's all there is, but I don't mean to represent our relationship that way.

Still, here I am up at 2:21 am, feeling vaguely distant, unsure of things, lost in the avalanche of dishes and laundry and never being able to sleep in and the demands of being on-call 24/7 even though the day-to-day caretaking is not really all that taxing in and of itself.

On a more interesting note, I was curious today about my grandmother's maiden name, Planche, and I was able to find where it had been traced all the way back to the 1100's. Can you balieve it???? I'm very curious about it now, and want to do some more research. Apparently we had some nobles back there in France. Very interesting stuff!!!

Ok, falling asleep finally (funny, how I start to write about myself and it's SOOOO boring I fall asleep doing it!!!!)
I am currently Apathetic
I am listening to Meme breathing over the monitor