Text messages from the ex
03/21/2008 09:29 p.m.

He started out by texting me, "I met someone" "I think she might be the one"

I wished him my best, though the unspoken hint of bitter in my messages did not miss his scrutiny. Of course, I am ashamed to admit to the bitterness. If my feelings for him had been utterly dead, I would have felt free to wish him every happiness and mean it.

What transpired after, for the entire morning yesterday, was a text-message deluge of his old mantra, insecurities, and vague accusations that I had been unfaithful to him previous to a date he mentions that I do not specifically recall. First of all, I had never been unfaithful to him in the first place, so unfaithfullness before or after any date is erroneous. Secondly, the truth is that while I did date during the last two separations while we were still married on paper, and a couple of those dates did get somewhat physical, I didn't "sleep with" anyone. The dating itself was, perhaps, not the wisest choice in retrospect, but I can live in my own skin given the circumstances. But all of this I had told to him many times.

There are several things that get me:

#1 - How is it that the lingering communication from that marriage is still enough of a presence that he should feel the desire to text me at all? I mean, I was all for civil communication so that we could, in the future, attend mutual family functions without too much drama (divorce does not always mean that the relationships with other family members cease. I still have a very good relationship with my step-daughter and it's a mutual understanding that we want to continue on in one another's lives). But somehow the communication retained a certain intimacy that, now, seems entirely dysfunctional.

#2 - How does one deem text messaging as an appropriate venue to deal with such emotional issues??? Ridiculous!!! Wait, I might know the answer to this one, too. It's a method not requiring regular conversational tact or respect, and it can be carried out without having to actually look the target in the eye. Much easier to sling verbal dung that way.

#3 - Why in the world did I even endeavor to participate in this exchange in the first place? Well, wait, I know the answer to this one. His method of engagement is always insidiously charming, and always has been, and he HAD managed to behave himself for a couple of years prior so I trusted his intentions. It, of course, disturbs me that I allowed myself to be drawn in nonetheless.

#4 - It bothered me enough that I allowed it to ruin an entire day's worth of sunshine and energy, AND I wrote two poems about it, AND I'm writing about it now. But the productive part is that what came of my feelings and what I wrote about is a sense of closure that had previously eluded me.

I can only deduce that he needed closure for himself, and I've observed that sometimes the easiest way to accomplish that is to focus on a conflict, real or imagined, that allows the closure to take place in an atmosphere of anger and blame. Very effective method of ending an association for good, though I've always marveled that it is preferred over ending an association with kindness. Perhaps kindness leaves a certain crack in the door...

At any rate, overall I feel relieved. If, by chance, we run into one another at his daughter's significant life events, perhaps enough time will have elapsed that the stink of what he tried to sling in my direction will have evaporated. I'm just bothered that it bothered me at all. But then, I have always (again with the shame) been emotionally invested in the opinions of others regarding my behavior, ESPECIALLY the opinions of those I love or have loved. I know it's a sign of weakness, and I hope to one day outgrow it. But it's, unfortunately, still the present truth of it.

*sigh*


I am currently Bothered
I am listening to miah cleaning the kitchen without me - better go help!