He would have been 25
03/19/2008 09:22 a.m.

P.J. would have been 25 last Saturday.

It boggles my mind to think that 25 years ago, I was holding my first child, my first son, not understanding that his life would be so short.

It feels like yesterday. It feels like a million years ago. It feels like it didn't happen to me, but for the ache where P.J. might have been if he'd only remembered to keep breathing.

Some things never go away. June 4th will come too quickly.

And I wonder at my awareness of it, how it waxes and wanes through the years, and how sharply it stabs some years over others.

And I wonder who he might have been, if he would have been noble, or funny, or artistic; tall or average, ambitious or laid back. How different would life be if he'd remained among us?

And I wonder where his soul is now? Where does he reside? If there is reincarnation, did he take another birth quickly or he is waiting for another time? I've never sensed him, in all these years, his quiet spirit lurking about or watching, and I've always wanted to hear from him somehow. I've always wanted to know him, watch his life and purpose unfold...so many unfulfilled hopes and dreams and nothing at all to do about it.

And I wonder what karma transpired that I should welcome him so joyfully, only to suffer quickly by his early leave.

Even after grief has run its course, this vacancy remains; as if (like any other death) I wait for him to return and take his place, the imprint of his presence as tangible yet as any other soul in my circle.

*taking a deep breath, and letting it slowly go*



I am currently Blue
I am listening to the 2 am silence