I think I understand
03/09/2008 12:13 p.m.

I think I finally understand why he feels paralyzed, why he does not or cannot take this relationship to the next level, the fears and the dread that he will not be able to live up to a standard that he was never able to experience in his own life. He managed to live through circumstances that most young people never know, and part of the way he learned to manage was to not allow his circumstances to matter. In that way, they did not destroy him (as similar circumstances do to most).

My circumstances matter ALOT to me, sometimes coming very close to destroying all of me and certainly destroying pieces of me at times. They always did matter, even when I was too young to really be able to "do" anything about them. I'm not saying I did any better with my life than he has done with his up to this point. I still screwed up, made selfish decisions even though I didn't intend to, and even when my intentions were with everyone else's well-being in mind, I STILL didn't manage to give anyone the absolute best-case scenario. Still, the way I face my fears is to fret about them, stew, worry, and then - when the circumstances become unbearable, or the next consequence is unbearable, I DO something. I jump. I move. I plan. I DON'T cope. I change. There is a resultant chaos about my life, constant change and little stability.

He, on the other hand, doesn't "face" his fears at all. He lets the beast rear its ugly head, deal whatever blows it may, and then he simply moves forward in whatever fashion seems to present itself. That's what his survival has been about. Usually the "beast" was an outside influence beyond his control; sometimes it was something inside, his own inner demon. But in the face of difficulties, he simply allows it to unfold, seemingly unattached to and uninvested in the outcome one way or another. From what I can gather, it's nearly inconceivable to him that he should interact with or contribute to an outcome of any kind. There is an apparent peace about his life, despite constant change, and he manages a stability that I have admired for a very long time.

So, we have these many built in contrasts: our age difference, our backgrounds, our life focus at the moment, our personal communication styles, our past responsibilities, the way we handle what life hands us. What we have in common, however, is just as convincing and perhaps even more so: our love and respect for one another, our love of creating music, our desire to express ourselves through written word, our love of art, our spirituality and the paths we are taking together, our visions of the next few decades and what we want to be doing, our love of my children, our appreciation of the earth and what we can do to preserve it, my current responsibilities and the way he embraces them, our taste in musicians, our food preferences, love of travel...the list is pretty impressive and I'm certain I'm leaving things out both ways, but the evidence seems beautiful in the "in common" list.

I believe I have been misunderstanding his hesitance, and he has been loathe to deal with my desire to put this relationship on solid ground morally. But after a lengthy discussion tonight, I can see his point, and I know he can see mine.

I just don't know if understanding is enough to get us both headed in the direction we seem to both wish to go. The way I see it, we are presented with a fork in the road, and I feel eager to choose a way, I want so to explore it, treasure it, move my life onto it. He, on the other hand, whether he prefers to or not, stands at this fork in the road and......and.....stands at this crossroad unable to force an investement by making a choice. I've told him many times that if he chooses the path without me, I would, of COURSE, understand and respect his decision, always wishing the best for him. I would NEVER fault him for saying a future together is not probably going to work out. Basically, though, I think it's that I'm a rusher (too often to my detriment) and he is a waiter (too often to his detriment), and the two traits are clashing more and more as time goes on.

So I write to try to understand, to possibly discover a shift in my perspective that brings some more tolerance to my side of the table. He SWEARS it's not about an inability to see a future together, and I think that after tonight, I believe him.

And now for something completely different.....

Daylight savings time - UGH!!! I detest "springing forward."

And now I must obey my falling eyelids and rest.


I am currently Reflective
I am listening to My guy rolling over in bed