At A Loss For Words...
02/16/2008 12:19 a.m.
I wanted to beat this. I wanted to be stronger than this. I wanted to be able to deal with my bipolar disorder the same way I have been for the last almost two years. I dont really ignore it, but I don't much acknowledge it either. Lately I've been doing pretty badly. I know, surprising since I'm in Florida and all right? Well I am at my wits end. I've had breakdown after breakdown lately, and they're only getting worse. The thing that hurts the most is knowing that I'm not strong enough to overcome this. I don't want pills, I don't want to be totally and completely emotionally numb. However, at this point I'm not so certain my stance on that no pill theory remains the same... Lately little bitty things are annoying me, I'm frustrated all the time at nothing, and things that have never had so much of an inkling of an effect on me, are suddenly driving me crazy. To top that off, I'm crying for no reason again, and unfortunatly I'm losing control of my temper once more. No one really understands how difficult this disorder actually is and people like to pass judgement in thinking that it's all a big show, or you can control it but choose not to. I'm here to tell you that you can't. I'm not just some "moody girl" and it's not always about "that time of the month." Its a serious mental disorder, and I wonder if It was stupid to think that I could deal with it on my own. Don't get me wrong now, I'm not rushing off to the doctors for zombie pills just yet, I'm still trying to manage the best I can until I can afford to see a doctor and get his professional opinion on what my next step should be. I just would like to ask for any support that anyone can offer me right now. I'm feeling very fragile, and alone. I spent the last 45 minutes crying on Andrews shoulder, and he kept telling me it was going to be okay. I disagree. Having an unstable mental disorder isn't something that just gets better, or fixes itself, it's something that you really have to work hard with just to be able to be a 'normal' member of society. I wish that I could make people understand how hard it really is, I wish people would open their eyes a little bit...and seriously people, Bipolar was around long before Britney Spears. Read my blogs from years ago, you'll see the things I've gone through mentally and physically dealing with this. I would never wish it upon anyone, in any degree...But since I have it, and I can't quite figure out how to be 'myself' again, I'd really appreciate it if everyone just would sort of bear with me, and try to put yourself in my shoes. My days arent like yours, my thoughts arent like yours, the seratonin in my brain isnt sitting at the same levels as yours, and I cannot control my temper or emotions as easily as you. So Please, just understand how hard this is for me, be there for me, and I could use all the help and friends.. I can get.

Peace, Love, and Mental Stability to you all.
<3
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to The hum of a space heater