again with the silence
02/12/2008 11:49 p.m.

We had a rare moment this morning where neither of us had to be anywhere in particular. So we lay in bed together and cuddled and talked about life and how in love with each other we are.

As the conversation usually turned to babies, as it usually does when I'm in it, we started talking about all the different options. In hospital, home birth, etc. and about how what with my RA the option of anything but a hospital birth was pretty much out of the question. That my doctors would look at me, laugh, and tell me it was the hospital.

"Can doctors actually do that? Just lay down the law and tell you 'no'?" he asked me, with a half laugh in his voice.

"They've done it before."

I hate myself for doing that. For bringing it all up when I know he has no idea what to tell me. He doesn't know how to tell me what I feel like I need to hear. All he can do is tell me he loves me and that one day we'll have another chance. That it will all be okay.

I don't even know what I need to hear from him.

I just feel like I have to keep talking about it. I have to say it out loud. I can't let myself forget.

Each time I say something he looks at me quietly and says nothing. And I want to appoligise for bringing it up. But I can't. Because I needed to say it, and I know I'll do it again.
I am currently Unhappy