This started out as a poem comment...
02/10/2008 11:12 a.m.


But as I wrote it, I realized I was having one of those reflective moments, and I don't want to lose it. So here it is....

"My oldest son is going to have his first child this year and I just celebrated my middle child's 18th birthday yesterday. You give them everything you can, and sometimes they love it and sometimes they hate it. And sometimes they use it against you, all of it, when they're angry. And they vow not to make the same mistakes as you. And they don't. They make all brand new ones just like we did, and they do the best they can. I've lost sight of what I meant to teach them, and ended up teaching them a bunch of things I never knew I would. It's a whirlwind of amazing adventure, and no one ever knows how it's going to turn out, no matter how carefully we plan it out. But the one thing I comfort myself with is that everything, just as it is, brings each of us the opportunity to make some progress, even if it's just a little."

I suppose if I had it to do over again, I might skip bringing children into my sad little life, with all the challenges I feel I didn't live up to. I know in my heart of hearts I've done my best, but I just didn't realize how short I was going to come up in the money, patience and keeping-the-biggest-picture-in-mind departments.

With my first child, I chose principle over relationship, and just about lost my relationship with him altogether. I don't think it's a total loss; we're working on communication, but it's been a VERY long road and he still has some major resentments.

With the others, I found myself choosing to keep the relationship intact over strictness, keeping two ideas in mind:

1) that as soon as they could handle owning their own decisions, I encouraged them to think about what was in their best interest in the long haul and then would offer myself as a support as much as possible in the data-gathering phase of their decision making processes and, also, in the consequence part of the process; and

2) that forbidding them to do something if they were at an age where they could accomplish it without my assistance wouldn't stop them from doing it if they were determined enough, and it would alienate me from them (as I've seen happen with my oldest son and with other families). Rather, I had frank discussions about what choices they would likely face, and acknowledged that they would essentially be alone when they faced those choices (i.e. whether or not to become intoxicated, whether or not to have sex with someone), and then my goal was to offer them what data I had gathered over the years, give them information about what my parental preferences were, and then empower them to own the decision. I mean, they were going to own those choices anyway, and my thought was to encourage open communication about it to avoid them relying on only themselves or their friends, and to, thereby, avoid some of the very dangerous situations teenagers seem to get themselves into these days.

I've had only two stipulations that would take their decision making power out of their own hands. The first is that they HAVE to tell me where they are at all times, no exceptions. It isn't about control, it's about safety, and as long as I know where they are, I can help them if there is trouble. And these days, there can be serious trouble...

And the second stipulation has been that if their choices were seriously interferring with their futures, I reserved the right to switch gears and lay the hammer down. So, basically, as long as them making their own decisions didn't result in failing grades, the inability to keep a job, social decline (jail, etc), they could keep on making their own choices. Because, as far as I can tell, that's what real life is like. You can go along independently as long as you don't stray too far from the accepted boundaries, but if you go too far over those boundaries, you lose your right to choose, and your life becomes controlled by higher authorities.

I know it's very unconventional. I've had limited opportunity to actually fully raise all of the kids with this philosophy, and life at their father's has been very different from life at my house. Infact, I've been highly criticized by their father for my parenting style. But he's quick enough to send them to live with me when he's run out of options with them. At any rate, because all but two of my six children have mostly lived at their dad's, it doesn't seem likely that the results are totally indicative of the success or failure of my methods. And, not all methods work the same with all kids, so I've had to tweek it here and there for the kids that need a little more structure to get by. Only time will tell, I guess, if I've made the right choices or not. I wasn't raised at all the way I've tried to raise my kids, and none of this parenting comes with a handbook... (though I have taken my fair share of parenting classes and gotten alot of useful information there).

I can say that so far, the kids have not always chosen according to my preferences (but do they even if strictness is the norm?). But I can say that I know where the kids that live with me are at all times, everyone has above a 3.0 GPA, no one has gotten into trouble with the law on my watch (knock on wood), and they each communicate very openly with me, even if I don't always especially like what I hear (sometimes they offer me parenting critique because, hey, it's a two-way street as far as I'm concerned. My philosophy is to treat each other the way you want to be treated). Sometimes I have to eat crow, and I'm certain that I don't always set the best example, but I think it works out in the end because in being able to admit that I'm not perfect, and then make ammends, it seems to be easier for them to do the same.

My goal is the same as any other parent's - to raise healthy children who are able to function responsibly and productively in this whack-o society; children who appreciate the value of love, kindness, compassion, sincerity and empathy for others. I can't think of what would be better, and so far, at least from what I can gather by my own observations along with what others tell me about my children, I'm not too far off-base. I'm still very self-critical about my parenting, especially when I don't live up to my own best ideas about being available, or controlling my temper, or just being moody. It's not at all easy to take responsibility for my short comings, to expose myself to the kids when I do, but I feel it's critical for me to do that so they can learn to do the same as they mature.

Maybe I wouldn't change bringing kids into the world after all. I DEFINITELY wouldn't want to imagine my life without the magic of these beautiful souls who are my children.


I am currently Reflective
I am listening to my 18 year old wandering through the kitchen