It's 2:09, and I don't know jack...
01/23/2008 10:19 a.m.

It's 2:09 and here I sit, in the dark but for the light of this goofy screen. My ears are ringing so many tones I have a frickin symphony playing in my head. I swear if I listened hard enough it would drive me insane. ALL of the hearing is now gone in my right ear, and my left ear is worse again. The ENT doc will be gone now for two weeks, so I just have to wait it out to see if my hearing will eventually come back. I was talking on the phone this evening, receiver up to my "good" ear, and my daughter asked me a question that I simply couldn't hear AT ALL. If it's still this bad in a week, I'll call and remake the appt. I cancelled when I went on antibiotics for the ear infection.

These little moments that come, quiet in the night, no one awake in the house but me. I feel so alone. But I'm not afraid. I'm frustrated that I'm 45 and haven't figured out jack shit.

I'm thinking about going to school while things are good with Meme (the grandmother I'm taking care of full time now). I still have kids at home so I should qualify for every bit of financial aid out there, and what is there to lose? God knows I'm going to have reinvent my employment after I'm no longer needed as a caretaker, and now is an excellent time to beef up my really really really sad resume'.

I still haven't started the belly dancing lessons. I've just been too sick. It's going on 7 weeks now, and I went to the bank and the store tonight, and it nearly wiped me out. I still get tired and have to sleep at least once during the day, and then wake up at night coughing....

And come to the computer. 2:17. No poetry screaming to get out tonight. Just the ringing in my ears and the starburst of coughing behind my eyes.

I wonder what it would be like if I remain partially deaf...


I am currently Empty
I am listening to the symphony of tones in my head