An Unhappy Update Of Sorts
01/21/2008 08:05 a.m.
::Spilling My Heart, has never been easy::



I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Not here, not now, not in Tennessee, not in this place...I am lost. I thought I knew someone, and it turns out I don't. They'll tell you otherwise, but I've seen the words written right there in black and white. I don't know why I'm so trusting, or why I see the good in people sometimes...it just bites me in the ass. I'm lonely tonight, and I'm sad. I feel like theres no one in the world who will ever love me for the fucked up mental patient that I am. I cry again every day now, I sit in bed and think of all the things I could have done differently, and possibly should have done differently in my life. I envision blood and pain, sorrow and sweet release, and I feel sick to my stomach for thinking of such things. I have been job searching for what feels like eons [on the internet], but has really only been days. I had my interview when I first got here as planned, but nothing came of it. Hooray for my being an 18 year old fuck up and getting a police record. I don't know how some people do it. I don't know how people can go on and live there lives so care free. Right now, my face is burning with fury, my stomach is sick, and I'm about to shed tears I'm so upset. Why? That doesn't matter, thats beside the point. I wanted to believe that I knew a person, I wanted to believe there was trust there, and I *needed* to know that I was loved for the person I am...and I don't think any of that is the case. In fact, I feel like this person is more of a stranger now than ever. I feel like, every word is a possible lie, and tonight I was talking to someone, (who in turn had talked to someone else), who once heard my friend SAY that he didn't like me...What a shitty friend. Of course, thats all hearsay, and the source isn't exactly a reliable one...but I guess time will tell. Why do I always do this to myself? I run away in hopes of finding something better, in hopes of running towards a dream, in hopes of gaining something, and every damn time I lose myself instead. I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now...I don't feel like breathing, or sleeping, fuck I don't even wanna eat. That's huge for me. I could sit here and stare blankly at the wall with a million thoughts running through my mind, and yet a vacant stare on my face. I've been having bipolar episode after episode lately, and I don't think Andrew is strong enough to handle it anymore. He doesn't have to see me all day, but in the evenings when he's home, he does. I think that he secretly wants me to leave, I think that he regrets me coming here, and I think that he knows all those things, but refuses to acknowledge them. Hell maybe he DOES acknowledge them, I don't know. It's high school all over again down here. Everyone is bitching and whining about everyone else. People hate each other over their race, car, and sexual orientation for no reason. I knew the south was prejudice, but fuck...maybe I DON'T Belong here with some of my strong beliefs...(on the pro side in case you pondered)...

I miss my family. I miss Iowa. I miss everything. But at the same time I absolutely love it in Tennessee. The scenery, the people, the friends, the apartment, everything is amazing... I love living with the Andrews, I love hanging out in our ugly green walled duplex, and I love watching movies and baking cakes at 9 o'clock at night. However, I feel like everyone here is underestimating me, watching my every move through a microscope, everyone is waiting for me to fuck up. They won't have to wait long, I can assure you of that. I fuck up everything, and I do it often. I can't quit shaking. I can't get what ONE person said out of my head. I can't let this bother me, but theres already no trust...Who do I believe? What do I believe? It's no WONDER that a specific person does what she does.... Why can't I just love someone, who loves me back, who won't play any games with me, lie to me, hide things from me, toy with other girls, talk shit behind my back, and secretly hate me? Why do I always fall for guys that are [abusive, lying, divorced, baby momma hating, cheating, two faced, affair having, friend fucking, alcoholic, drug addicted, chain smoking, porno loving, marriage hating, mama's boy, acts different around his friends, cocky, etc.] jerks?! What is MY major malfunction? Why did anyone ever let me believe that this would cause me anything but heartache and pain? Why did I think that my fairy tale would find me in Tennessee?


"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best"
Maybe I should follow that advice myself?


There are so many things I want right now. So many things I need here. So much confusion, so many unanswered questions, and prayers. So many puzzles need solved. The money is gone, but who has it? The trust is gone, how do I get it back? How can I deal with this issue again? How can I believe anything thats said? Who do I believe? How do I believe? What do I believe in anymore?

[[Religion, Beliefs, Baptism, Pornography, Violence, Suicide, Car Accidents, Surgerys, Hospitals, Jobs, Cars, Trucks, Blankets, Washing Machines, Next Door Neighbors, Cats, Kids, Marriage, Rings, Whores, Lies, Fury, Anger, Tears, Dryers, Furniature, Basements, Light fixtures, Plastic Covered Windows, Photos, Music, Rentals, Procrastination, Sorrow, Drama, Fading Dreams, Uncertainties, Unknowing, Unstable....]]

Everything listed is such a pain in my ass. Every questionable word, Every day...is such a struggle, and people refuse to see that. People refuse to believe that it's THIS hard for someone 'like me' to death with everyday issues like this.Somebody 'like me' should be able to handle this. I'm a "strong girl." Thats what they tell me, thats what they say, and that's what they want to believe, but I'm not. I'm far from a strong girl. Look at me wrong and I'll cry. Let me find out you lied to me, and never again will I trust you. Look at another girl, and I'll feel disgusting and worthless. Tell me that I have everything you ever dreamt of, and I'll pity you.Go ahead tell me that my life is worth living, tell me that when I'm at the point I am right now, so low that I don't even know what to do MYSELF, that YOU have the answers. Give me advice, tell me how easy life is for you, tell me how hard things are with your husband, and your son or daughter, tell me what a difficult test you had to take yesterday...pretend you understand, if it makes you feel better, but newsflash, it doesn't help me at all.

God has listened to my prayers, he's watched me struggle with my personal issues, he's taken 3 children from me, and I have to believe there's a reason for everything. I don't want to believe that, I want to think that's a pile of shit, but I don't. I *do* believe that it's all happening for a reason. I can't sit here and believe that my children died and it wasn't for any particular reason. I can't sit here and think that I'm still alive after years of self hate, cutting, and a few handfuls of pills. I can't. I want so BADLY to believe, that I DON'T believe...but the truth Is. I have to. I have to believe in him. I have to believe that someday, somewhere, when the time is right, all my pain and burdens will be lifted away, and I will find happiness. I know I have to work for it, search long and hard, and try my best..because the lord only helps those who help themselves, but...I believe that someday everything will be right as it should be. And I can only hope that I realize that day has come when I'm sitting at the dinner table holding my husbands hands, and listening to my children tell me how their day was at school. And I want to look around, and realize how good we have it. I want that day to come where I smile, and laugh, and the only tears I shed will be tears of joy...I BELIEVE that day will come, and that it will probably be later rather than sooner...but...For the sake of my sanity, my life, and my heart...I do believe it. I couldn't live if I didnt.

Regardless, my heart is hurting, my eyes are watering, my body is trembling, and my fingers are ice cold. I've been typing for an eternity now, and I've said so little that I'm almost angry with myself for not sharing more...I have an emotional road block up right now. I want so badly to let someone in. For someone to come talk to me about everything. I want a shoulder to cry on, and a shotglass to drink from, and probably a cigarette to smoke. I know those things will do me no good, but sometimes a girl just has to be a girl..and when you live in a man's world, it's a hard thing to do.




And in case you're reading this, which I doubt you will...

I love you. I'm so hurt by so much, and I can't even begin to understand it. I want it to be there, I want us to have it all, the world, the moon, trust and happiness, love, understanding, and patience...and a future...but I don't know how to fix this? I don't know how to fix something, that was never entirely mine to begin with..I don't know how to help you or if I can, and I don't know if you're strong enough to help me. You were my shoulder to lean on, my perfect rock in so many ways, and I thought the world of you...I'm not disappointed, and I'm not let down, I still love you, but...my view of you is changing, you are a stranger to me now. I can't decipher lies from truth, and I don't even know if there ARE any lies.. in your words. I can't get my brain to shut up. I can't stop thinking that you don't need me in the way I need you. I can't believe that you'd love me, when you said yourself you didnt in your most vulnerable of states...I can't....figure out whats true in your heart. And all I'm asking of you, isn't that you deal with me, or put up with me. I just need you to tell me if you want me to leave your life. Straight and to the point, plain and simple. If you don't want me in your world, with your friends, and if I'm going to be the death of everything you are...everything you've worked so hard to portray yourself as, when I know its no where near who you are....if you want me to go, tell me now, before it gets any worse, before the cut gets any deeper, and before the wounds spill over any more blood...tell me now, and I will be out of your life...just don't drag it on because you think you have to...please for the sake of me, for the sake of us, for the sake of not knowing enough, or knowing to much, for the sake of our memories, and meetings....for my sanity, and my heart. If you care about me in the ways you claim to...tell the truth, tell it to my face, be honest and open, and...just say whats on your mind. I'm not here to destroy your life in the way you seem to tell people I am, and I'm not as crazy as you think.. I'm not the liar you portray me to be. I'm just a girl who spilled my heart to you, and was nothing but honest...I'm just a girl who met you and believed you were perfect, not in the essential ways of the word, just perfect enough for me..I believed every word you said to me, I trusted my heart when I let it flutter for you...All you wanted of me was to believe, and I did....but now all I'm asking of you...is if you hate me, if you cant handle me, if you're too weak for my mentality, if you have any doubts in your mind that you want me here, speak up now.

I can't live thinking that I'm just a stand in, until your dream girl comes along. I can't handle being second best to anything that doesn't deserve your heart, and I cannot believe that you arent perfect for me....because I know you are, regardless of your flaws and mine. Regardless of every late night fight we have over my stupid jealousy, my temper and anger, my breaking heart, and my untrusting you...you say that I don't think I do anything wrong, and I do. Lord knows I do. I do things I know I shouldn't do, and I say things I know I shouldn't, and I do them anyways. I know you're right for me dahlin, but I think I'm the last piece of baggage you need...I don't know whether or not to run into your arms, or run away. I'm sorry that I fuck up your world, and i'm sorry that I blow things out of proportion. I cannot help the person that I am, but I CAN control my actions. I know why I do the things I do. I know when I tell you that you won't believe me, but I'm going to say it anyways...ever since the "incident" and the lies...I've been so hurt, and so angered that I just wanted to find ways to make you feel the hurt, and shame that I felt. Things were going from bad to worse, and I found out again about another "incident." I can't get that out of my mind. I try so hard to...I promise, I do. My stomach churns at the very thought of the things you think when you do what you do...and I feel like I'm a worthless piece of shit. I slipped into a coma of depression, and only you can make me smile, only you can cheer me up...which is ironic, because your actions are the ones making me cry. I promise...I would try to help, but I don't know how. I would believe you, but I'm not sure I can. It's going to take a lot of hard work and effort to get things back in order, and I'm willing to shut the fuck up, swallow my pride, and bite my tongue...but you have to SWEAR TO GOD that you will make the same effort as I. But if you can't do this....then let us say our goodbyes.










I need you.


I am currently Bummed
I am listening to The hum of a heater in a 60 degree house