thinking of you
01/14/2008 10:38 p.m.
i find myself sitting here thinking of someone i have no real business thinking about. not that it is wrong for me to, but i know that if i think about him now, i will continue to think about him, and i will inevitably be let down. i just don't think i have the energy to deal with liking someone and then realize that there was no point. i have said before sometimes i feel crazy, like i am living my two selves. oh well, one day i may get this shit straightened out. maybe not, so i guess i just need to learn to live with it.
i feel like i really have nothing important to say. i read other people's journals or poetry and they seem to have something to say. i start to write and realize that i am just not saying anything of substance. maybe its that i just bitch about stuff, my life and my constant inner turmoil. i feel like this is so self centered that i have nothing better to talk about then me.
at one point in my life i thought i could be a writer, and now i just feel childish. i have nothing to say about the shit thats going on in the world or faith and religion or culture and people. i mean i do, but i don't feel the need to write about it i guess. politics and the ways of the world do not consume my thoughts. it starts to feel like i have no substance.
i was told last night that i mean the world to people and that i have sacrificed myself so much for others. maybe i am not prepared to understand that kind of statement, or i see myself as a different person then others do. i don't think i do great things for people. i am just being me. i care too much and i am to vulnerable to everyone and everything. i don't show it of course but i am. i constantly think about the other people in my life, and what we all have together. friends and family coworkers, everyone.
i guess now i wished i had someone to say all these things to, instead of writing them here. i just don't care anymore what someone reading this thinks. if you are reading this you probably think i am a little nuts, and you would probably be right.
i look for things from people, that i feel i am lacking in my life. i have realized that i do not want to be alone. i want to share myself with someone else. as scary as it is to admit that, i do. i don't know that i am ready for that, but i know that i want that.
I am currently Anxious