sometimes i feel crazy
01/09/2008 05:35 a.m.
i came here thinking that maybe i had something to say. i realize i don't have much to say that i have not already said. people are so strange; including myself. i find myself trying to find an attraction to people i am around, and then saying all the what ifs in my head.

what if they like me?
what if i like them?
what if we were ever to date?
what if it didn't work out?

it is truly exhausting, this type of thinking. it's as if i find myself in these situations with people that do not warrant my what ifs what so ever. nothing in conversation should have ever led me to them, but somehow they creep in my brain like a poison. of course, if my what ifs are not answered or responded to, i feel rejected and unwanted. once again, neither feeling warranted.

i do not understand why i think this way. i do not understand the way my brain functions, or the feelings it invokes. its as if i am so turned around that everything seems like it means something. every glance from someone means something even though it doesn't. in the rational part of my brain, i know this is completely false and that i read into things more then i should. somehow my irrational always takes over and tries to justify my thinking. like i said, truly exhausting.

to feel as if you are two people in one, even though you know you are not crazy. you are just a little screwed up and twisted.

on another note, my life seems to be relatively stable, and my emotional side is somewhat under control. i say somewhat, because some days are still better then others. i fear people reading this may thing i am totally unstable and completely insane. i swear i am a fairly sane person, and that most of what i feel is only written and not acted upon. like i said, i am not totally crazy...
I am currently Detached
I am listening to the tv