a natural order
01/07/2008 12:04 a.m.
i wonder if i will ever be a part of the natural order of things. i wonder if i will be the other half again, or if i have that capacity. i know that i am not in a position right now to do that, but i wish i was. i wish i could go to someone and have them know me; hold me and say the things i need to hear.

sometimes i want to stand in the middle of a crowd and scream. somehow i feel i would go unnoticed. people walking by with no intention of turning around. i have spent much of my adult life pushing aside the things i feel for the better of others. rarely putting myself first. it is a small prison i have made on my own. so seldom to i truely speak what i feel that i don't think i even know anymore.

i pretend that things did not happen, and pretend i am ok with it. this all for the sake of other people. other people that may care for me but do not realize the burden it leaves. i try to justify it to myself in ways that i don't understand. i know that maybe things are better the way they are, but somehow i am still left wanting. wanting the things i cannot have, and cherishing things i no longer do. people ask questions and i start to doubt if i made the right choice. i know that i did, but somehow the fact that other people ask leaves me feeling ashamed.

on my days off from work i have a hard time getting out of bed. i do because of my dog; he does need to get out of the house at some point. but i can barely make myself leave my bedroom, as if the world outside of it is expecting more than i can give. i find myself being cruel and malicious to people i barely no because it is far easier then being nice. women i find are the easiest to be mean to, maybe because i know what hurts them and i have no problem with it. then again i usually leave overwhelmed with guilt that i have placed some of my burden on them. i understand what it feels like to have someone say hurtful things and walk away. maybe i want to inflict that on other people now that i no longer have that happening to me. i guess that is what you would call projecting.

i wonder now if this is the natural order i have become a part of and if it is where i will stay...
I am currently Brooding
I am listening to silence